Review of "The Wicker Man" (2006)

The Wicker Man" (2006)


Worthy of most things Shatnerian - "Why is .. it .. BURNED ??.... Why ...isitburned???

It is unfortunate that I review this movie after just seeing Crank. I still think I am seeing spots and I am definitely coming down. Solipsist and Oscar winning master thespian, Nicholas Cage, stars in either a farcical story of cross-cultural misunderstanding or in a unintended B-movie-like-comedy, complete with over-the-top, Shatner-like acting. I think it is the latter, but I leave it up to history and the experts to decide.

So the Cage, as I like to call him, is doing his best impersonation of Erik Estrada in Chips. He gets a note from his fiancée, which states that her daughter is missing and if he could help. Mind you, this is the woman who disappeared from his life, years before. She lives on an isolated island in the Northwest part of the country. An island that is mostly populated by a female Amish/Quaker-like commune. The rest is relatively meaningless. If you want meaning, you might as well check out the original movie. This movie is just there for the laughs.

The Cage is not a very good actor. As one of my comrades one said of him - "He's the same in every movie." He is an actor playing himself and not doing it very well. The Cage has been in some good movies, however, those were built around his "particular idiom" (Lord of War is a great example of this). On the other end, when you try to get him to act or make him feel emotion, you get this Botox coma or perhaps City of Angels. His performance in this movie can simple described as mind-numbingly-nuked. He is part angry octogenarian, part whiny, part drunk, all high-school production quality with 1/2 a bottle of pain killers. I mean the scenes in the bear suit are priceless, not to mention all the cheap shots he dishes out. Unfortunately, the hilarity mostly ensues well past the 60 minute mark. Prior to this, feel free to snicker and laugh at the lame, lame dialog. I can definitely say skip the theatrical version (go straight for the unrated version) of this movie, as you will be getting a slow motion montage-like procession scene with sound overlay instead of the actual scene. I actually was scratching my head, wondering, the first time I saw/heard it. Oh well. Highly recommended for a laugh. If you want to skip the movie all together, check out Youtube for a compilation of the best and funniest scenes in the movie. I think it's a fair trade - 3 minutes in the Cage or 90. ........................

Wise choice.

Review of "Marebito" (2004)

Marebito (2004)


Man-Boy and his Camera.

If you like Takashi Shimizu and his work, then you will probably like this. You may remember him from such movies as the Grudge, various Grudge remakes and the Grudge 2, along with its remake.

We follow the exploits of videophile cameraman Masuoka. Masuoka is played by Japanese actor/director Shinya Tsukamoto. You may remember him from Tetsuo the Iron Man, A Snake of June, Tokyo Fist and the coma inducing Bullet Ballet (he doubles as director and actor in many of his movies). His acting style is usually very similar throughout his various role (the quiet, doormat otaku character). Don't expect something drastic here. If the director happens to rehash the same material over the last decade (I'm looking at you too George L.), why should the actors discover a new id and ego? There are some interesting and pervading issues throughout the movie : Reality vs Perception; Urban Legends; Fear; Vampirism as a Lifestyle; Parasitic Relationships; Ghosts; Eye vs Lens.

The main part of this relates to the way Masuoka deals with information. Experiencing it in real-time as himself does nothing. It is the act of watching everything via video that proves profound for him. Video, after all, is the purest and least biased of the two methods of perception. But it is also true that the "pureness" of video is not absolute, being that perception of it changes the result. That's the good part of this movie. The bad part is we don't really get any answers or is that simply because there is nothing really there? Most of the "narrative" is done through a 3rd person narrative (movie camera) and the rest is through the handy-cam (mostly first-person). One can't help but feel the Cannibal Holocaust/Blair Witch similarity, with a touch of El Mariachi. I frankly was not impressed with the Grudge. None of them. I found them too drawn out and boring. It's mainly the kind of movie that tries to make you feel uncomfortable about eerie music and darkness. This one isn't quite that bad, but I was expecting a bit more evolution out of the director. Kudos to him for discovering the new "must-have" pet this Christmas : a sanguine, mute pseudo-female companion.

I say skip this. Stick to anything Miike.

Review of "Police Squad!" (1982)

Police Squad!" (1982)

Señor B.B. Stache greets you:

The Forefather of the Naked Gun Trilogy, complete with white OJ.

I first remember bumping into this zaniness from the Zucker brothers and Jim Abrahams, back in the early days at Comedy Central. Back in those days (the 90's) their programming consisted of Benny Hill reruns and the original MST3k, complete with bearded host.

Capt. Frank Drebin (played by the stone-faced, dead-pan filibuster, Leslie Nielson) is a process created first from the amalgamation of various stereotypical police television show protagonists (think Dragnet meets Starsky & Hutch the Show), boiled in a flask full of well-known police television show plots and scenarios. This is distilled, 3 times to produce the most pure policeman every made. Forget about Simon Pegg in Hot Fuzz (for now. save it for later). Frank Drebin is clueless at most times, a terrible driver, a terrible shot, macho yet sensitive and vulnerable. He is a master of the police investigative methodology (a.k.a - ask Johnny the Leathery Old Shoe-Shine Boy). This does not make him a bad cop. Cops get lucky also. Capt Drebin (notice he's a Captain here) has perfected it. Along with his partner, Nordberg, and the rest of force, perfectly parody the police drama over the course of 6 golden episodes.

The show is a treasure trove of hilarious dialog and quotable quote-ables. Most of the sight gags are a bit dated and silly. The magic never came from the sight gags,however. At its core was a nonsensical and straight-faced conversation and activities in the foreground, with crazy things occurring in the background. The movies can best be described as 90 minute compilations of the best gags from this series. Think of Monty Python's And Now For Something Completely Different.....

If you liked Airplane 1 & 2, Naked Gun 1,2,3, or Top Secret, then you will definitely enjoy this.

I always liked the series better than the movies, even though I saw the movies first. Why? 2 words : No O.J.

Review of "Doom" (2005)

Doom (2005)


You know something's off balance when Karl Urban gets top billing over the Rock, in a B-movie based on a computer first-person shooter game.

Based on the latest iteration of the Doom series; This one seems to rely heavily on the Doom3 storyline, with the exception of the actual story. It definitely recreates the dark, cramped and "sweaty" atmosphere of the military/research complex from the game. The plot diverges a bit from the game. Apparently, force powers come from midi-chlorians and the devil-made-me-do-it (a.k.a. demonic possession) is based on an "Alien"-like tongue propagating with your neck.

The Rock leads a tactical rescue squad to Mars to investigate a disturbance and quarantine mission. Before we can go, we have to suit up and give each other code names like we did back in the 3rd grade. Yo Joe !! At this point the movie tries to pull off a bit of Predator (a.k.a- tactical squad takes on alien), but thankfully fails and stops trying. No way they can pull if off without Sonny Landham or a decent alien. They do have the Predator-like sweaty, bald black marine though.

This movie is pure homage to the FPS (first-person shooter), from the BFG (too bad they got that acronym wrong) weapon to the trip to the bathroom and to the inclusion of Carmack (a.k.a - John Carmack being the founder of ID Software, the maker of Doom and other fine products). The most lucrative of these is the FPS mode. First person mode (a.k.a - if you can stomach becoming Karl Urban) is quite gimmicky. It is far more interesting as a concept than actual execution. In a game it is part of the immerse nature of the environment, however, in a movie theater it seems a bit odd. I mean I would expect that if I went to Disney World, Epcot Center or somewhere in Las Vegas. My chair didn't move. My ass didn't get shocked. Did yours?? It came off more like something Uwe Boll (a.k.a - the Teutonic Terror) would do or of the caliber of the director of Romeo Must Die or Cradle 2 the Grave.

The monsters seem an odd collection of zombie, xeno-human and variation of xeno-human mutations. None are overly memorable and quite easily forgettable after their mutated gray matter gets splattered all over the walls. I mean we don't really even get a good "Boss" character. We get a re-hash. On a personal note, someone really needs to stop using Rosamund Pike as an actress. I haven't seen a decent, nor a different performance from her yet. I believe she is playing the same character she did in the Libertine, albeit without an overt English accent.

At least the director got one thing right about Doom; the crappy ending. This leads us to the type of director we have. Based on the fact that this was the worst movie the Rock has been in (don't get me wrong, he has been in some terrible movies, however, and his personality has managed to elevate the whole picture into enjoyable distractions). Instead of raising this movie up, the character and characterization of the "Sarge" just adds guano to the whole movie. In true FPS fashion, hit F7, restore another save point (preferably before you started watching this movie), say the magic word (Katsuhiko Kumanosuke Takaashi) and watch something else .... maybe like Crank. This is for Uwe : Watch Out!! Andrzej is on his way down to meet you.

Review of "Invincible" (2006)

Invincible (2006)


Rocky VII - A Football Story.

The real life events of Philadelphia native Vince Papale (Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch's Mark Wahlberg) incredible ride into the NFL as a member of the Eagles. Vince was an out of work teacher and bartender who happened to make it to the NFL via Dick Vermeil's open tryouts, with no prior college or professional experience.

If you have seen Rocky, you kind of get the idea. It's Philly, its a blue collar town and during the 70's was in the grips of a severe recession. The director, Ericson Core (who's major contribution to this point was as cinematographer on the horrible Daredevil), does an adequate job of portraying this. Basically this is not really a football movie. I was having major flashbacks of Rudy. The whole point of the movie isn't football, but rather the underdog, the "American dream" accomplished. This isn't to say there isn't football in the movie. Most of it involves training camp and a few plays from the first few games. It is used to show that his accomplishment did not occur overnight, nor that it was easy.

Overall this isn't a great movie, but its hard not to care about Vince. These movies make us care about these people, by making the point that if they could do it, why can't we. They could be us, so it is easy to relate. The standout moment of the movie is at the end, where we are given archived footage of the actual Vince and some of the plays he made. It single-handed validated the movie for me, to see the energy, pride and character of Vince Papale. This movie would be a welcome DVD to my collection, right next to Rudy, the Replacements and the Longest Yard (the original 70's version... please don't soil that movie with thoughts of Adam Sandler).

Review of "Abominable" (2006)

Abominable (2006)


As good as its name …. if only slightly cheesier.

I had heard much and see some of it (thank you Joel from the Soup, for opening my eyes to the sheer horrific humor that is this movie), this SciFi cable original movie.

So the guy who was pegged as Steve Guttenberg's replacement in Police Academy 5 and 6 (Matt McCoy), is a wheelchair-bound former mountain climber. The cause of this injury is explained in a pseudo-flashback accident (and third person accounts) where he and his wife fall from Suicide Rock, because their climbing rope snapped. He has been taken to his cabin, near the scene of the tragedy, in the hopes that it will be beneficial and therapeutic. Upon arrival, Matt McCoy does his best Jimmy Stewart in Rear Window impersonation complete (and convenient) with 5 young, fresh girls next door. For some reason, we get the full view of the entire house complete with full audio capabilities, all from the binoculars Matt uses. I think Uwe Boll might have been a consultant-in-spirit on this movie.

Not much happens until about the hour mark. This is the part of the movie that makes this whole thing "worthwhile". The first hour just makes karma look like chamomile tea. Cheesy dialog and cheesy background music permeates the entire movie. It is the seasoning. The movie is quite sasquatch-centric. All revolves around it. "It" looks much like a mash-up of Harry, from Harry and the Hendersons, Critters, and an angry, drunken, 80 year old Scotsman. All that with a crazy lust for meat (dog, horse and people).

The plot isn't too complicated nor too in-depth. What you see or don't see, is exactly what you get. The rest involves lots of dragging, talking to oneself, pointless dialog, ripping flesh, tearing flesh and the "squeezing" of full size people through bathroom windows (a classic). There's some nice cameos by the late Paul Gleason, Lance Henriksen and the Re-Animator himself Jeffrey Combs. They don't contribute much too anything, albeit the scenes between the Re-Animator and Bishop are quite funny.

In the end all I wanted to know is: Where do I get some of the lip gloss/lip balm that Haley Joel was wearing? It doesn't fail, even when confronted with snow, dirt, mud, water, blood or killer Sasquatch. Operators are standing by, supplies are limited. Please order now. Bring the crackers and wine because you'll be getting a lot of cheese. And nothing goes better with cheese than crackers and wine. Don't delay, watch it today.

Review of "Why We Fight" (2005)

Why We Fight (2005)



Also the name of a series of military funded WWII propaganda movies done by Frank Capra

This is an appropriately titled documentary (ironic also) that delves into what Eisenhower called the "military-industrial complex", in his farewell address. While George Washington's farewell address involved warnings about political polarization of the country, the avoidance of entanglements with foreign nations and the idea that morality in government is required; Eisenhower warned about the ever increasing of power of the complex relationship between the military, the Congress and the military private sector, and the problems associated with having and supporting a standing army. He warned about the ever increasing resource allocation in the face of no visible or clearly defined enemy. A self perpetuation cycle that takes all other expenditures with it.

This process seems to have started with WWII and even with Eisenhower's warning, has continued unabated for the past 50+ years, culminating in the current situation we are in (Iraq). During this time the expenditure was justified by the giant, looming Soviet threat (which collapsed of its own bloated weight). Since 1991, the military-industrial complex has been searching for a new "nemesis". They tried Panama, Iraq I, Yugoslavia, Somalia, Afghanistan and Iraq II. The current war is proof enough of the intentions of the this complex : to get more money appropriated by the Congress (for more expensive, newer, and "better" weapons), by "proving" to their constituents (through fear and misinformation) that they is a phantom danger which requires more money for defense. It is nearly impossible to tell the head from the tail of this unit. All the elements have almost fused into a giant entity.

It is funny to think that WWII signaled the start of this entity, while also going against Washington's warnings (US first becomes entangled in NATO in 1949) and leading towards our current polarized and unmoral political situation. The problem with this complex is that is does not what is best for the country, but what is best for itself. This is not moral. Senator Byrd made that point when the Congress voted to give the executive branch the right to invade a foreign nation without provocation; that there was no debate, no look at the consequences of their actions. There was only silence. It's interest leads the country into situations that allocated many, many resources that could be used internally (Eisenhower had a cost list of what he could do locally with funds allocated for bombers, tanks, missiles, etc). Senator Robert Byrd also made the point that the US military budget from a few years ago was larger than the other 18 members of NATO combined and China.

This movie tries very hard not to be a one-sided story. It gets some of the constituents of this entity to speak in their own words. The movie does not point fingers at political parties but rather at institutions and individuals. I don't know how people cannot acknowledge the truth in this movie. Whether or not what this movie's message appeals to your political thought or not, you cannot deny the truth no matter how much it doesn't benefit one's situation. You can ignore it, pin it on a patsy, or try to deny it, but you cannot hide from it. It would seem the movie would end on an pessimistic tone, but this is not true at all. It is very encouraging. This complex should be responsible to us. They are working with public (tax) money and Congress is full of our elected representatives, responsible to the people who elected them. We don't like what is going on, then we must do something about it. Freedom is not sitting at home watching your ass get fatter while eating fast food and drinking a beer. We need to get off our asses and make them listen to us. If they are not satisfying us, we get ones who can. Oh, where is the next George Washington ?? That is exactly what we need right now. It is funny how much his name is used to justify things he wouldn't have supported (also see God). Oh well. History will record this time as the end of the Republic and the rise of the American Empire. Sic semper tyrannis.