Trailer : 2010 (1984)

I am excited as this is 'the year me make contact'.

Trailer : The Book of Eli

This has promise and it's the directorial return of the Hughes Brothers since From Hell.

Trailer : Armless

Let's give them a big 'hand'?

Segue Universal

It has been a while since I posted a review, but that doesn't mean I have stopped watching movies. That process never ends. I will return soon, but in the meantime Universal has also gone back to it's roots and done something quite useful.

In anticipation of the new Wolfman movie, with Benicio Del Toro, Univeral has opened their coffers to all kinds of info about their "monster" properties. Definitely a good reference or a starting point, depending on where your interest is. Click below to open the Vault:

http://www.thewolfmanmovie.com/legacy/

Review of "JCVD" (2008)

JCVD (2008)

JC is "Jerry Lewis-famous" in Belgium. Watch out Steven.

Jean-Claude Van Varenberg is not a name you would typically remember. Now replace the last name with Van Damme and that changes dramatically. They are one and the same, but the latter name invokes a certain response. Fame and celebrity invokes a certain universal scrutiny that a "normal" person lives without. It is this theme that the movie cleverly uses to spin a fictitious (and sometimes surreal) dark comedy about the random events surrounding the life of the real Jean-Claude Van Damme.

Another stunt gone bad for JC, which will likely lead to another lawsuit.

An immediate JC association is that he is an aging but once prominent international action-movie star, who is well past his prime and now making B-movies exclusively to pay the bills. The movie is constantly juxtaposing that image against a "real life" person trying to play themselves, outside of a movie. The introduction and opening credits is a 3 minute, complicated action sequence of which we would be expecting from a movie starring JC. It's the best JC action sequence of the last 10 years and it turns out to be just another scene in one of those B-movies he is making. This is NOT an action movie, however. He takes his first hit from the 20-something Asian director.

JC takes another hit during his divorce/custody hearing, in which his daughter doesn't want to be with him because friends laugh when he is on TV. Because he makes action movies he is associated with violence and all that implies. He cannot get the roles he wants, because he is typecast. It becomes a vicious cycle to pay the bills through B-movies. He returns home, to Belgium, to figure things out. He just needs to get some cash from the Post Office to pay the cabbie. A mundane situation. Then fans notice him. Everyone starts to notice. Too bad the post office turns into a hostage drama with the cops making a command center of nearby video store. Subliminally we all expect JC to take care of the situation in action-movie style. He does and he doesn't.

JC's new "thing" is getting people to smell his feet.

The movie is shot in a gritty, digital format reminiscent of a documentary/reality show style. The colors are generally muted in faded gray, greens and browns. Nothing pops but instead screams industrial and earthy. Gritty & real. I saw the dubbed version of the film and as bad as it sounded, it did not affect my enjoyment of the movie. I do recommend you watch it with the original soundtrack and JC talking in his native language.

In this era of films where I have to prepare myself before going out to the theater (by prepare I mean, leave most expectations at home & bring a flask with me), this was a surprise. That is a beautiful and rare thing these days. Though JC is playing a role, namely himself in a fictional situation, you can tell he brought some acting muscle and lay himself upon the alter for exposition. I have always had an affinity for the accent-laden action hero (Schwarzenegger being the other) and this does for JC was Danny the Dog did for Jet Li. It opened my eyes to the untapped talent still residing within an aged action star.

Belgian police take their jobs seriously.

JC ,in an amazing gesture, transcends the movie at one point and his image by stopping the film (pre-climax) and rising about it (literally) to speak to us directly. It feels like a heart-to-heart moment between JC the man addressing his audience and critics alike. The scene, though seemingly out of place, works because it seems like a genuine glimpse into the man. He talks about things that are important to him and even cries several times. I felt as if I had just been witness to a communal exorcism and rebirth. If it was all acting, I have nothing but praise and admiration for JC. He entertained me, inspired and taught me something, all within the span of 90 minutes. He can live contently in the knowledge that he is and never will be Steven Segal. And that's a good thing.

View all the screen shots here.

Review of "La Battaglia di Maratona" (1959)

La Battaglia di Maratona (1959)
(a.k.a. The Giant of Marathon)

"They tied her to the 9th hole of the Put-Put Golf Course."

Mystery Science Theater 3000 was a staple for many. When it went off the air, we searched for an outlet. Out of the darkness & rubble, first arose the Film Crew(now defunct) and RiffTrax. Both these endeavors revolved around Mike, Kevin & Bill. This is last movie of the four movies (picked democratically by the "Internet") the Crew laid track for before disbanding. Honcho Home Video Presentation's motto is "every movie deserves a commentary." Mr.Honcho decides to go Greek and makes the Crew lay down a track for the Giant of Marathon (original Italian titles translates to "the battle of Marathon").

The format of the DVD is identical to the other 3. There is an introductory scene with Bob Honcho on the phone selecting the movie, a lunch break in the middle of the movie(where they end up not eating usually) and a finale sketch (in this case making outrageous hats and a racial rambling about the Basque). As with the other DVDs there is bonus selection. This one is in two parts. The first is Mike's apology attempts towards the Persians and Italians. The second part is the commentary track of an electrician extra from the movie (sketch).

Steve after passing an Olympian-sized kidney stone.

This is the typical Italian sword & sandal epic : low budget, melodramatic cardboard acting, repetitive, horrible dubbings, sub-par action sequences, "loads" of homo-erotic imagery & one chiseled foreign bodybuilder on the marquee. In this case, a beardless Steve Reeves as the marathon's progenitor, Phillipides.

We start with the story of how Phillipides becomes champion of the olympics, as the credits & titles roll. This is immediately followed by a lengthy written paragraph, setting up the back story of the love rectangle between Phillipides and Theocratis' arranged wife (Andromeda) and his concubine (the mannish Karis). The front story is your basic power struggle, mixed in with conspiracy and some battles with the Persians. We can't forget the Spartans. Then toss.

"Torturing horses is job one for this movie."

These epics seem like historical re-enactments in terms of the dialog, acting, costumes, sets and battles. History is the casualty in most, however, as is the enjoyment level and consciousness. The historical aspect would have been the only saving grace. Instead, crack the grappa, watch this with friends and savor the unintentional comic genius present in this movie. It is a rare and beautiful thing for the genre, though most of good ones star Steve Reeves. Also see Hercules and Hercules Unchained for reference.

Even though the internet picked this fourth, it is arguably the best of the four Film Crew movies. I dare to say that it is comparable (if not better) to the MST3k version of Hercules or Hercules Unchained (both with Steve Reeves). This movie is dedicated to men in diapers.

See all the screen shots here.

Non-Film Crew IMDB.com comment.

Review of "X-Men Origins:Wolverine" (2009)

X-Men Origins:Wolverine (2009)

Fewer laughs than X-Men: The Last Stand. Have adamantium bullets on standby.

Get the merchandising process started early. REWRITE!! That's fantastic.

After the X-Men's "Last Stand" and Wolverine's indestructible leather pants, my expectations going into a movie about Wolverine's origin story were extremely low (bordering on nonexistent). For this movie to be exciting in any way, you must either be a vegetable or seeing a "movie" for the first time. Sadly I fit into neither category.

I was conscious of my bias from the start. I own first editions of just about any comic book with the words "Wolverine" on it as well as Joe Madureira feral-Wolvie ink on my arm (circa 1997). I liked the trailers and word-of-mouth from the leaked torrent viewers was good. The thing that I saw was not.

Is that John McClane?

The opening scene recounts the basic story of the "Origins" limited series, in which the the man who would be Wolverine started off in the mid 19th century as the sickly child of John Howlett. After an altercation between his dad and the groundskeeper, an enraged boy pops his claws, murders and then runs for his life. The groundskeeper's son, Victor, accompanies him. According to the movie, Wolverine's mother had an affair with the groundskeeper and Victor is his brother. Fine, artistic licensing.

The best part of the movie ensues, with a montage of the two "brothers" fighting in every major conflict throughout the world. With the montage complete, the drudgery ensues. They are then recruited by William Stryker for a covert team, comprised of other mutants. While Victor becomes increasingly bloodthirsty over the years, Wolverine increasingly finds it distasteful and eventually drops out. He ends up living as a lumberjack in the wilds of Canada with this girlfriend, Kayla Silverfox. Just as Michael Corleone could not escape his "family" neither can Wolverine. His past returns and his girlfriend ends up as collateral damage. Revenge trip ensues.

I also hate it when the hot water runs out right in the middle of a shower.

The remaining lump of coal is a confused mash up of CG, explosions, random occurrences of X-Men characters (Emma "Silver Fox"??, Cyclops, the Blob, a should have stayed hidden Gambit and an almost unrecognizable Deadpool), wire work, violence and convoluted conspiracies gone awry. I was prepared for a mindless action-butchering of the Wolverine character. It was definitely a mindless butchering, but the action was less than gratifying. Ridiculous is a more accurate description of the action (there is no tongue in cheek here). The movie feels rushed and confused. It wants to be a mindless and enjoyable summer action movie (the result is ridiculously derived and boring) and also wants emotional depth (the motivations are there, paper thin and transparent).

The closest comparison I can muster is the emasculation of Thomas Jane's Punisher. Wolverine, just like the Punisher, will probably never have a good live-action adaptation because the people involved do not understand the characters or imbue them with characteristics not present. The failure is not in the adaption of the source, but in the very essence of the movie. It is flawed all around and tries to tell too much of the story in one sitting. I was ready for a completely different origin story from the comic sources. I was ready for mind-numbing action (see Crank for an example). Instead (and based off the title), we are left with a cheap looking (not cheaply made, however) and marketing based serial action film. Expect X-Men Origins: (fill in the X-Men member here), soon in a theater near you.

Check out the rest of the screen shots here.

Review of "Walk the Angry Beach"(1968)

Walk the Angry Beach(1968)
(a.k.a. Hollywood After Dark)

WARNING: Rue McClanahan stripping with sweaty, naked back. Now vomit. Then eat more Drano.WARNING.

Mystery Science Theater 3000 was a staple for many. When it went off the air, we searched for an outlet. Out of the darkness & rubble, first arose the Film Crew(now defunct) and RiffTrax. Both these endeavors revolved around Mike, Kevin & Bill. This is the first of four movies (picked democratically by the "Internet") the Crew laid track for before disbanding. Honcho Home Video Presentation's motto is "every movie deserves a commentary." CEO, Bob Honcho, has a thing for Golden Girl, Rue McClanahan, so the Crew must do Hollywood After Dark.

Bob Honcho himself, the source of pain to be watched. His MST3k counterpart is Dr.Forrester.

The format of the DVD is identical to the other 3. There is an introductory scene with Bob Honcho on the phone selecting the movie, a lunch break in the middle of the movie(where they end up not eating usually) and a finale sketch(in this case the replication of the light bulb strike to the head). As with the other DVDs there is second selection, usually a short vignette. This one is title "Ode to Lunch" where Bill recites a short poem(about lunch obviously).

Unless you have ever thought about what it would be like to see your grandmother in her prime, wearing a bikini or less, don't bother watching this. The only remarkable thing about this film is Rue McClanahan and the possibility that she took this role because she saw something of herself in the character. Don't eat a heavy meal before or any meal while you watch this, as it can prove to be a choking risk.

Rue's striptease. It only gets worse from here.

Locations: A Hollywood junkyard, a Hollywood beach, a Hollywood highway, and a Hollywood set made to resemble your typical international burlesque house & LA lofts.

Plot: Jack Webb lookalike attempts to recruit an ex-navy & hyper-cynical underwater demolition expert, named Tony (the hairy Jack Vorno), for a heist.

Subplot: Rue McClanahan is an aspiring actress who works at Jack Webb's brother's burlesque, to pay the bills. After a confusing transition and conversation with Tony in which Rue explains that there are limits to her stripping, Tony expresses his stark cynicism. Stripping at the burlesque, by the way, is down to underwear and pasties. The only nudity here is Rue's sweaty, bare back (literally, back). Then the date at the beach.

The director's initial inspiration for Fight Club.

Conflict: Rue meets with a "writer" at his "office"(apartment) to do a "reading." After what seems to be hours, Rue has been drugged(or not) or very drunk(or not) and the writer either makes out with her(or not) or rapes her(or not). Insert fisticuffs. Keep the audience confused.

Conflict resolution: Rue descends into hell as she bares her top for the lascivious W. Hollywood mob. Show Rue's sweaty, back. In the midst of his guilt, Tony agrees to the heist; his share to go to Rue, so they can start over.

Twist: 15 minutes of dialog free "action" followed by double-cross.

Morale: Hollywood will destroy you, first morally and then physically. Don't bother coming here.

Check out non-Film Crew IMDB.com comment here.

You can find the rest of the screen shots here.

Review of "Killers from Space"(1954)

Killers from Space(1954)


Any episode of Biography is way better than these glaucomic projectionists from space.

WARNING!! Seizures, spasms, drooling and anger are all know side effects of the Killers from Space. Don't fight it or you might end you like Kevin here.

Mystery Science Theater 3000 was a staple for many. When it went off the air, we searched for an outlet. Out of the darkness & rubble, first arose the Film Crew(now defunct) and RiffTrax. Both these endeavors revolved around Mike, Kevin & Bill. This is the second of four movies the Crew laid track for before disbanding. In this session, Bob Honcho Enterprises' president, Bob Honcho, selects Killers from Space.

The format of the DVD is identical to the other 3. There is an introductory scene with Bob Honcho on the phone selecting the movie, a lunch break in the middle of the movie and a finale sketch(in this case demonstration of a "Robichet" acting device). As with the other DVDs there is second selection, usually a short vignette. This one is a series of 5 audio outtakes for one scene, called "did you know."

The last thing an alien abductee sees before their memory is wiped.

The movie begins in the middle of stock footage of U.S. Air Force planes (black & white, 1940's & 1950's), radar dishes, people messing with knobs, dials and switches, planes flying, planes landing, planes taking off, etc. A nuclear test in about to commence. Peter Graves is Dr. Martin, the lead scientist on the test. He is up in a plane (designated "Tar Baby 1"), circling the event and gathering data.

Shortly after the explosion, something unexpected occurs and the plane crashes. Martin mysteriously shows up at the base, with no memory of what has transpired and a scar over his nipple. He starts behaving strangely or so it seems to everyone else in the movie. To the people watching, we hope Peter Graves won some sort of acting award because it can't be easy to act while in a coma.

Captain Over meet Mr. Unger.

This is a truly epic horror movie. The horror is not the subject but rather the effect on the individual. The "Killers from Space" don't appear until more than 1/2 way through the movie and our protagonist, Dr. Martin, has the personality of a Fuccon. Add to this 20 minutes of a sodium amethol(not sure this kind of truth serum exists) induced flashback, a 5 minute chase scene in a power plant (involving running up & down the stairs, as well as using elevators and hiding behind things) and an unusual number of grisly close ups.

I didn't even mention the all too numerous shots of Peter Graves in front of a screen showing a reptile or insect close up or that the plot revolves around a clichéd group of extraterrestrials who's home planet is unlivable and they want to squat or take over our planet. Did I mention the heavy tobacco sponsorship? I counted 8 scenes in the movie, where the sole purpose was to showcase cigarettes or pipe tobacco. In one scene, all 3 characters conversing in the scene are smoking. Was the world really like that or what big-Tobacco wanted it to be? Not even a cameo by Coleman Francis can save this movie from the fate of being watched at 2x speed, from now on.

Thirsty... sick man..... water. Coleman makes the call.

I struggled with rating this movie. The movie is truly horrible and the jokes aren't the best of the series but the overall score is indicative of the timing of the jokes to maximize relief from the pain. It's like eating something when you are really starving. The jokes, even though they're average, have a bigger impact on a much more horrible and dull movie. The impact is larger and so is the score.

You can find the non-Film Crew comment here.

The rest of the screen shots are here.

Review of "Wild Women of Wongo" (1958)

Wild Women of Wongo (1958)

It's a miracle the human race survived, but the Film Crew flourished for a little while longer.

Mystery Science Theater 3000 was a staple for many. When it went off the air, we searched for an outlet. Out of the darkness & rubble, first arose the Film Crew(now defunct) and RiffTrax. Both these endeavors revolved around Mike, Kevin & Bill. This is the third of four movies the Crew laid track for before disbanding and I believe is the best of the bunch.

The namesakes of the movie. DANCE!!

In this episode Bob Honcho picks the Wild Women of Wongo for the Crew to lay down a commentary track. As usually there are 3 sketches; beginning, lunch & end. The first sketch is about the air conditioning of the building. The lunch sketch is all about a map of the world and the final sketch is the testing of a match-making computer. As compared to the sketches in Hollywood After Dark & Killers from Space, these seem less forced and somewhat funnies. Sadly, none of Film Crew sketches compares to any from MST3k. There is a bonus section on the DVD and it contains two sketches: the Crew is forced to DANCE by the dragon god priestess & reenactment of the final scene of the movie, with cutouts.

Mama Cass searching for some food and a man.

A disembodied Mother Nature narrates a story 10,000 years in the making. The events of the great "Wongo"-"Goona"-"Monkey Men from the Sea" conflict are recounted. The manipulative Mother Nature has placed all the prettiest women with the Wongo tribe and the good looking men in the rival & nearby Goona tribe. The men of Wongo & women of Goona are suppose to be fugly. The Monkey Man threat is severely over-hyped, as is their involvement in the film.

The conflict arises when the son of the king of Goona arrives by canoe, waving the white-wing of peace, to warn Wongo of the arrival of the Monkey Men from the sea. The Wongo men, obviously jealous of his good looks, devise a plan to kill him. The Wongo women, lusting over the pretty man, decide to step in. The origins of humanity start are becoming clearer, but it just needs a few more ingredients.

Mr. Burns looks exactly as he did 10,000 years ago. Amazing.

Add a "Dragon God" (a.k.a. crocodile/alligator), the god's temple complete with one crazy priestess, some modern dance, leopard print & leather slips, lots of hair spray, blue hair, empty scenes of the "jungle", at least 12 cut-aways to an annoying parrot, stock footage of crocodiles/alligators, scenes of wandering through the jungle, several repetitions of previous footage, a scene of a woman trying to drown a crocodile/alligator and page upon page of horrible "savage-man" dialog (i.e. "me go", "Wongo not friend to Goona", Yoda teaching English class, etc.). Anyone can film a movie like this. Just go to the Florida Everglades or Keys and hire some bodies from Gold's Gym, don't forget to cater it and remember the script will figure itself out. The pain is excruciating. This is definitely the kind of movie to watch at 1.5x and not by oneself. Do NOT attempt this without the Crew, moreover bring many friends and several bottles of bourbon.

Click here for the rest of the screen shots.

Non-Film Crew IMDB.com comment here.

Review of "Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Movie" (1996)

Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Movie (1996)


No stinger, no bite, but eye candy. Not the best, but still good.

"I'm not an alien."

The movie version of the popular TV show finally came to the big screen, but it's not a perfect adaptation. The guys are subjected to "This Island Earth" by the familiar Dr. Forrester. In between the condensed movie, there are 5 "sketches". Dr. Forrester's mad-scientist soliloquy & Crow drilling a hole to the Earth can be considered the first part. When the film melts and breaks is part two. There are two "interocitor" sketches and the credits.

Just say NO, to interocitors.

Dr. Cal Meacham is a gifted and important atomic scientist. So important that Lockheed lets him commute to work in one of their vehicles. A commute to work is flying a jet from DC to somewhere across the country. As Cal arrives at work the plane malfunctions, but (thankfully) he is saved by a mysterious and pulsating green glow. At work, more strange things appear. This time an ordering mishap occurs, giving Cal a "capacitor" of incredible specifications. A delivery of a metal-page catalog arrives and continues the strangeness, which ultimately leads to an ordering spree and the creation of an "interocitor".

Next, a strange white-haired "man", named Exeter, appears on the interocitor & reveals all. He admits that the catalog, the parts & their assembly were a test to verify his aptitude. Exeter is a recruiter for a scientific think-tank. Cal can't resist and ends up at a utopian-like mansion full of the world's best scientists. Some typical snooping later, the development of a love interest (Dr. Ruth, if only it were her) & the Professor's help, lead to the truth; Exeter is an alien and they are going to his home planet of Metaluna, with Cal & Ruth tagging along. BIG Surprise, right? No. Not at all actually. HELLO!. There are aliens on the movie posters even before you would have walked into the theater.

Toke! Toke!

I remember seeing this movie as a child on AMC on a Saturday afternoon. It was one of the first science fiction movies that had better than average production value and a plot line that was a bit more than an "alien-western" or "alien-horror" story. It's not perfect and it isn't Forbidden Planet (the overall best sci-fi movie of the 50's; story, special effects,etc.) either, but it is fast paced and enjoyable. Most sci-fi of the time is about an alien out to destroy us & our attempts to stop them. This Island Earth adds a small layer of actual science, some sympathetic extraterrestrials and colorful special effects to create something worth remembering. There are genuine attempts at science fiction here, restricted by the budget, studios and audience perception of the genre. Don't expect 2001: A Space Odyssey, but it's not Plan 9 from Outer Space either.

"Ladies & Gentlemen. A Flock of Seagulls!!"

This is by far the best production value of anything with Mystery Science Theater 3000 on it. The sets, models and robots look great. One of the funniest parodies of the series comes out of this: the "Normal View" scene. I enjoyed it so much that I made it my ringer. There is a strange "echo",however, that accompanies all the sketches, but that can be explained. This contributes to the the most pasteurized version of the show ever. It feels a little hollow. Frank and the opening credits, which were important to the series, are sadly missing here. The guys even do the credits for their own movie and in the end, it is still MST3k and it is still fun. You just have some regret of how much more amazing it could have been.

Screen shots here.

Review of "This Island Earth" (1955)

This Island Earth (1955)

Don't expect 2001: A Space Odyssey, but it's not Plan 9 from Outer Space either.

Now in refreshing mint flavor.

Dr. Cal Meacham is a gifted and important atomic scientist. So important that Lockheed lets him commute to work in one of their vehicles. A commute to work is flying a jet from DC to somewhere across the country. As Cal arrives at work the plane malfunctions, but (thankfully) he is saved by a mysterious and pulsating green glow. At work, more strange things appear. This time an ordering mishap occurs, giving Cal a "capacitor" of incredible specifications. A delivery of a metal-page catalog arrives and continues the strangeness, which ultimately leads to an ordering spree and the creation of an "interocitor".

Before getting to the island, the Professor enjoyed smoking and the company of women.

Next, a strange white-haired "man", named Exeter, appears on the interocitor & reveals all. He admits that the catalog, the parts & their assembly were a test to verify his aptitude. Exeter is a recruiter for an advanced scientific think-tank. Cal can't resist and ends up at a Utopian-like mansion full of the world's best scientists. They are so advanced that planes don't require seat belts and craniums are designed for easy access on the outside of the body. At the same time they are so Utopian that they continue to be served by a black maid. Some typical snooping later, the development of a love interest (Dr. Ruth, if only it were her) & the Professor's help, lead to the truth; Exeter is an alien and they are going to his home planet of Metaluna, with Cal & Ruth tagging along. BIG Surprise, right? No. Not at all actually. HELLO!. There are aliens on the movie posters even before you would have walked into the theater.

"Acting."

I remember seeing this movie as a child on AMC on a Saturday afternoon. It was one of the first science fiction movies that had better than average production value and a plot line that was a bit more than an "alien-western" or "alien-horror" story. It's not perfect and it isn't Forbidden Planet (the overall best sci-fi movie of the 50's; story, special effects,etc.) either, but it is fast paced and enjoyable. Most sci-fi of the time is about an alien out to destroy us & our attempts to stop them. This Island Earth adds a small layer of actual science, some sympathetic extraterrestrials and colorful special effects to create something worth remembering. There are genuine attempts at science fiction here, restricted by the budget, studios and audience perception of the genre. Don't expect 2001: A Space Odyssey, but it's not Plan 9 from Outer Space either.

See all the screen shots here.

Review of "Terror! Il castello delle donne maledette" (1974)

Terror! Il castello delle donne maledette (1974)
(a.k.a.Frankenstein's Castle of Freaks)


This is a prime example why they fire people on Fridays.

The accuracy of production: 19th century jeans, turtleneck sweater and leather belt.

The movie starts suddenly on a small cliff. What appears to be a man in animal skins (a caveman I suppose) is on top of the cliff throwing things at people below. The people are dressed in 18-19th century garments and are throwing things, up at the caveman. Sadly you know this will be a bad/cheap movie from the start as there appears to be a man in jeans and a turtleneck in the crowd of villagers. Did the movie run out of costumes up front or was this guy crashing the movie? Eventually, the villagers overwhelm the lone caveman and proceed to beat him to death with clubs & rocks. Then the titles.

No little people were harmed in the making of this. They were just manhandled.

Marie Frankenstein (the doctor's daughter) is on her way home to her family's country castle, with her fiancé and a female friend tagging along for spring break. According to the good doctor, the Neanderthal man's (a.k.a. caveman) appearance is not a fluke, but is explained by "science". They somehow live in the nearby caves and have for hundreds of years. His experiment is the reanimation of that ex-caveman, now called "Goliath".

Cinematic Titanic debuts the "Breast Blimp", to the dismay of all watching.

This is a typical Italian knock-off/mash up of movie genres. I have had numerous experiences with these, from spaghetti westerns to giallo to the epics and even the apocalyptic future. This one is the Italian version (much cheaper) of a Hammer film with gratuitous nudity. It does try to portray Dr. Frankenstein as a misunderstood character, who is good by nature and circumstances and others have tarnished his image (the Wicked effect). This aspect is muffled by the gratuitous nudity, some horrible dubbing, extremely low budget and the "freaks". When you add 2 Neanderthals cavemen (one living in a cave and the other necrotic), a revenge driven ex-employed dwarf (Michael Dunn, most renowned for his role in Star Trek's Plato's Stepchildren episode) and a mustached, adulterer hunchback (Boris Lugosi, Karloff & Lugosi's Italian love child), what good can come from it?

Bela Lugosi & Boris Karloff's Italian love child : Boris Lugosi.

Basically, it was the dwarfs fault. Firing the dwarf causes the series of events that we are all aware of : monster escapes, innocent people are killed, villagers riot with torches, the monster & Frankenstein are killed by the end. There is not much horror, logic, acting, suspension of disbelief, nudity or much of anything else in this movie except a painfully long run time. You will struggle with the dialog, as some of it sounds like English, but in the end all you come away with is that the rule of the mob is that the mob rules. That and the idea that a long, nude mineral bath can fix just about anything.

Experience all the screen shots here.

Review of " Legacy of Blood" (1971)

Legacy of Blood (1971)

A ride on the night train to Mondo Hell, stops at a modern Borgia's mess

This is the fourth installment of Cinematic Titanic and it's a real stinker. The guys do a great job of dwindling the pain level to a tolerable nuisance. So "ditch the dickey" and jump on it.

The best scene in the movie, muted.

You know a movie will not go well when John Carradine narrates (a.k.a. reads the script & plot synopsis) over his character's funeral procession, a mere 5 minutes into the movie. The narration is his character's last will & testament. It stipulates that his estate be divided amongst his 4 children and servants. The children shall split $136 million equally, but if any should die then that share is split amongst the remainders. If all the children should die then it is divided amongst the servants. To be eligible, they must live in the family estate for a week. It sounds like the typical plot of a reality show.

There is little subtext as to the nature of the Deans. They are a powerful and severely dysfunctional family, but the real trouble starts with the drowning of that dog. From the opening voice-over by John Carradine you expect this movie will lead to a Machiavellian cat and mouse game with a twist ending.

The director debuts fish-vision technology.

That journey is painfully slow and pointless. We trudge through minutes of watching people sitting around, playing pool, throwing darts, the misuse of the "through the fish bowl" shot, dramatic conversations between silk cravat wearing men, constant bickering, misplaced circus music, bizarre flashbacks reminiscent of faux-German expressionism, the horror aesthetic of the 4th grade and heaps of dramatic overacting. This all inevitably leads to the expected & ungratifying ending.

In the end, you will be happy to still be alive, but the pain might be too great to bear alone. This is probably the 2nd funniest of the series, behind the Oozing Skull, with some great lines such as: "We're like the white Jacksons" or "Check it out. I'm acting backwards." Share children, share.

S&M night at John Carradine's house.

Screen shots here.

Read non-Cinematic version here.

Review of "Orgy of the Dead" (1965)

Orgy of the Dead (1965)

ThE WoRST MoVIE OF All TiME !!!

I wonder which one of the Golden Girls this is? Blanche?

I had survived a whole string of bad, pointless movies up to this point. Nothing could have prepared me for the sheer pain of this movie. The pain was carefully administered by Bulgarian born director Stephen Apostolof (who seems to be a veteran of bad sexploitation movies). It was written by none other than our good friend Ed Wood Jr. Anyone who has ever seen an Ed Wood movie can vouch for the dialog in this movie. It is vintage Ed Wood. The script must have been about 10 pages long. If the dialog was ad-libbed as they shot the film, it would have been a thousand times better than what was written. The good thing about Ed Wood is that he usually kept his movies short (45-60 minutes long). Stephen on the other hand is a master torturer (something he must have learned in his native Bulgaria, working in a Communist prison). The plot (what a joke - nonexistent plot) is simple.

The epic meeting between Criswell and Elivra.

The Emperor (played by perennial Ed Wood star Criswell - who also never learned to memorize his lines) is in the cemetery getting his monthly dose of undead topless cabaret, sponsored by a Monika Lewinsky look-a-like ghoul. During all this, our protagonists, Bob & Shirely are driving around (at night in some shots, during the day in others) looking for a cemetery such that Bob can get ideas about the new story he is writing. After a convenient car crash (happens to be right at the cemetery they were looking for), our protagonists get thrown out of the car and wake up on the ground without so much as a stain on them. They happen to find the "orgy" where Criswell and Monika are sitting around. Exciting isn't it? That is the first 10-15 minutes of the movie. From this point forth the pain commences. For the next 70 minutes or so, we are presented with the dance of the dead girls. There are about 10 girls that come out in various costumes (from the golden girl, to Indian girl, to the zombie girl, to cat girl,etc..etc). They come out dressed in their costume, and miraculously as the camera pans to Criswell and Monika and then pans back, they are topless and dancing. Normally, this should be rather interesting, but its not. I think maybe when I was 8 years old I would have found this titillating. There is no reason to any of it. I have seen porn that has better acting and is more interesting to watch than this movie. I would say if the dancing was any good that would be something, but the dancing is mediocre at best. Not only that but the music doesn't match what they are dancing to. At one point I swear the zombie girl is doing the macarena. As the director states in the interview featurette on the DVD, the music they actually danced to was not the music we hear. Someone actually composed the crappy soundtrack we hear. This movie is a disaster.

The second right before the Mummy was to "keep it real" with the Wolf Man. BANG. ZOOM.

After the first hour, I found myself fast forwarding at 2x speed to get to the dialog. Did I mention the Mummy and Wolfman make an appearance in this movie as well ? Did I also mention that the Mummy talks and Wolfman's howl sounds like Shirley screaming ? Well it is all painfully true. The ending is a relief, even though there is a Robot Monster type ending. This is not the end. Everyone should watch the 19 minute interview with the director, to get a better perspective about the man responsible for so much pain. A.C Stephens, as he is also known, talks about everything under the sun (never saw an Ed Wood movie because he heard they were terrible). He tends to laugh at himself (he seems to think quite highly of himself) and calls the topless situation - mammary glands. And then Doomsday arrives when he mentions his idea of making Orgy of the Dead 2, which is going to explain in more detail the characters, and it takes place in the year 2800 or so. GOOD GOD !!! Anyway, this movie should at no point be watched solo. The pain must be shared through at least 2 people, fully loaded on Jack Daniels (at least). This movie could actually be quite instructive as I believe it should be shown in every freshman film school class, to prevent things like this from being made. After all this, go out and see it. Your life may depend on it.

Turdenstein approaches:

The rest of the screen shots are here.

Review of "Choke" (2008)

Choke (2008)


Freak Flag Flying High

I first took notice of actor, Sam Rockwell, back when he was a security officer named "Guy", but I didn't fully realize his potential until George Clooney's directorial debut, Confessions of a Dangerous Mind, put him in the shoes of TV icon, Chuck Barris. His rendition of Zaphod, from the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy (2006), was unforgettable and made an average movie more enjoyable. Now he plays the lead in the movie version of the book (of the same name) by Fight Club author, Chuck Palahniuk.

The Q88 rush hour bus.

Victor Mancini (Rockwell) is a historical re-creationist by day. By night he visits his ailing mother (Angelica Houston) in the home and/or attends sex-addict group support meetings to get sex . You see Victor did not have a normal childhood. His mother came and went, leaving him mostly in foster homes. At the same time, his father's status is quite vague. Because of this, he does not form any meaningful female relationships. He just has sex. Every woman he sees, he envisions having sex with (be it old, ugly or fugly) or having had sex with them. He cannot turn it off. It is one of his coping mechanisms.

It's not what you think. Pervert.

The other is related to the title of the movie (& the book as well); choke. Victor intentionally chokes himself (usually on food and in a public place like a restaurant), with the intent of selecting a "Good Samaritan" to save him. This instills good feelings in the savior, which Victor manipulates to supplement his income.

The movie seems to follow the path of the book, as the narrative revolves around several months of Victor's life as he is trying to deal with the increased deterioration of his mother's condition. This is juxtaposed with flashback's from his childhood. Any comedic qualities derived from the movie is mostly dark in nature, but is still funny. If you frown upon nudity, sexual situations or bad language, then you probably picked the wrong movie. The movie alternates between serious and comedic, but ultimately I think it is meant to be proverbial in scope. Sam Rockwell is the star of this movie. He has the charisma and personality to do great things and can keep something interesting based on only his performance.

Thomas Jefferson's plantation was always fun for everyone.

The message is not a new one. Hunter Thompson wrote about it. We are all freaks in one way or another. Some people fly their "freak flags" while others live in fear of what others will say. Not "flying the flag" or being yourself is the cage/bonds. To truly be "free", we must fly our "freak flags" high, so others can see. Acceptance and reciprocation by another, makes us not freaks but "normal". So fly high, my brothers and sisters.

You can find the rest of the screen shots here.