Review of "Walk the Angry Beach"(1968)

Walk the Angry Beach(1968)
(a.k.a. Hollywood After Dark)

WARNING: Rue McClanahan stripping with sweaty, naked back. Now vomit. Then eat more Drano.WARNING.

Mystery Science Theater 3000 was a staple for many. When it went off the air, we searched for an outlet. Out of the darkness & rubble, first arose the Film Crew(now defunct) and RiffTrax. Both these endeavors revolved around Mike, Kevin & Bill. This is the first of four movies (picked democratically by the "Internet") the Crew laid track for before disbanding. Honcho Home Video Presentation's motto is "every movie deserves a commentary." CEO, Bob Honcho, has a thing for Golden Girl, Rue McClanahan, so the Crew must do Hollywood After Dark.

Bob Honcho himself, the source of pain to be watched. His MST3k counterpart is Dr.Forrester.

The format of the DVD is identical to the other 3. There is an introductory scene with Bob Honcho on the phone selecting the movie, a lunch break in the middle of the movie(where they end up not eating usually) and a finale sketch(in this case the replication of the light bulb strike to the head). As with the other DVDs there is second selection, usually a short vignette. This one is title "Ode to Lunch" where Bill recites a short poem(about lunch obviously).

Unless you have ever thought about what it would be like to see your grandmother in her prime, wearing a bikini or less, don't bother watching this. The only remarkable thing about this film is Rue McClanahan and the possibility that she took this role because she saw something of herself in the character. Don't eat a heavy meal before or any meal while you watch this, as it can prove to be a choking risk.

Rue's striptease. It only gets worse from here.

Locations: A Hollywood junkyard, a Hollywood beach, a Hollywood highway, and a Hollywood set made to resemble your typical international burlesque house & LA lofts.

Plot: Jack Webb lookalike attempts to recruit an ex-navy & hyper-cynical underwater demolition expert, named Tony (the hairy Jack Vorno), for a heist.

Subplot: Rue McClanahan is an aspiring actress who works at Jack Webb's brother's burlesque, to pay the bills. After a confusing transition and conversation with Tony in which Rue explains that there are limits to her stripping, Tony expresses his stark cynicism. Stripping at the burlesque, by the way, is down to underwear and pasties. The only nudity here is Rue's sweaty, bare back (literally, back). Then the date at the beach.

The director's initial inspiration for Fight Club.

Conflict: Rue meets with a "writer" at his "office"(apartment) to do a "reading." After what seems to be hours, Rue has been drugged(or not) or very drunk(or not) and the writer either makes out with her(or not) or rapes her(or not). Insert fisticuffs. Keep the audience confused.

Conflict resolution: Rue descends into hell as she bares her top for the lascivious W. Hollywood mob. Show Rue's sweaty, back. In the midst of his guilt, Tony agrees to the heist; his share to go to Rue, so they can start over.

Twist: 15 minutes of dialog free "action" followed by double-cross.

Morale: Hollywood will destroy you, first morally and then physically. Don't bother coming here.

Check out non-Film Crew IMDB.com comment here.

You can find the rest of the screen shots here.

Review of "Killers from Space"(1954)

Killers from Space(1954)


Any episode of Biography is way better than these glaucomic projectionists from space.

WARNING!! Seizures, spasms, drooling and anger are all know side effects of the Killers from Space. Don't fight it or you might end you like Kevin here.

Mystery Science Theater 3000 was a staple for many. When it went off the air, we searched for an outlet. Out of the darkness & rubble, first arose the Film Crew(now defunct) and RiffTrax. Both these endeavors revolved around Mike, Kevin & Bill. This is the second of four movies the Crew laid track for before disbanding. In this session, Bob Honcho Enterprises' president, Bob Honcho, selects Killers from Space.

The format of the DVD is identical to the other 3. There is an introductory scene with Bob Honcho on the phone selecting the movie, a lunch break in the middle of the movie and a finale sketch(in this case demonstration of a "Robichet" acting device). As with the other DVDs there is second selection, usually a short vignette. This one is a series of 5 audio outtakes for one scene, called "did you know."

The last thing an alien abductee sees before their memory is wiped.

The movie begins in the middle of stock footage of U.S. Air Force planes (black & white, 1940's & 1950's), radar dishes, people messing with knobs, dials and switches, planes flying, planes landing, planes taking off, etc. A nuclear test in about to commence. Peter Graves is Dr. Martin, the lead scientist on the test. He is up in a plane (designated "Tar Baby 1"), circling the event and gathering data.

Shortly after the explosion, something unexpected occurs and the plane crashes. Martin mysteriously shows up at the base, with no memory of what has transpired and a scar over his nipple. He starts behaving strangely or so it seems to everyone else in the movie. To the people watching, we hope Peter Graves won some sort of acting award because it can't be easy to act while in a coma.

Captain Over meet Mr. Unger.

This is a truly epic horror movie. The horror is not the subject but rather the effect on the individual. The "Killers from Space" don't appear until more than 1/2 way through the movie and our protagonist, Dr. Martin, has the personality of a Fuccon. Add to this 20 minutes of a sodium amethol(not sure this kind of truth serum exists) induced flashback, a 5 minute chase scene in a power plant (involving running up & down the stairs, as well as using elevators and hiding behind things) and an unusual number of grisly close ups.

I didn't even mention the all too numerous shots of Peter Graves in front of a screen showing a reptile or insect close up or that the plot revolves around a clichéd group of extraterrestrials who's home planet is unlivable and they want to squat or take over our planet. Did I mention the heavy tobacco sponsorship? I counted 8 scenes in the movie, where the sole purpose was to showcase cigarettes or pipe tobacco. In one scene, all 3 characters conversing in the scene are smoking. Was the world really like that or what big-Tobacco wanted it to be? Not even a cameo by Coleman Francis can save this movie from the fate of being watched at 2x speed, from now on.

Thirsty... sick man..... water. Coleman makes the call.

I struggled with rating this movie. The movie is truly horrible and the jokes aren't the best of the series but the overall score is indicative of the timing of the jokes to maximize relief from the pain. It's like eating something when you are really starving. The jokes, even though they're average, have a bigger impact on a much more horrible and dull movie. The impact is larger and so is the score.

You can find the non-Film Crew comment here.

The rest of the screen shots are here.

Review of " Legacy of Blood" (1971)

Legacy of Blood (1971)

A ride on the night train to Mondo Hell, stops at a modern Borgia's mess

This is the fourth installment of Cinematic Titanic and it's a real stinker. The guys do a great job of dwindling the pain level to a tolerable nuisance. So "ditch the dickey" and jump on it.

The best scene in the movie, muted.

You know a movie will not go well when John Carradine narrates (a.k.a. reads the script & plot synopsis) over his character's funeral procession, a mere 5 minutes into the movie. The narration is his character's last will & testament. It stipulates that his estate be divided amongst his 4 children and servants. The children shall split $136 million equally, but if any should die then that share is split amongst the remainders. If all the children should die then it is divided amongst the servants. To be eligible, they must live in the family estate for a week. It sounds like the typical plot of a reality show.

There is little subtext as to the nature of the Deans. They are a powerful and severely dysfunctional family, but the real trouble starts with the drowning of that dog. From the opening voice-over by John Carradine you expect this movie will lead to a Machiavellian cat and mouse game with a twist ending.

The director debuts fish-vision technology.

That journey is painfully slow and pointless. We trudge through minutes of watching people sitting around, playing pool, throwing darts, the misuse of the "through the fish bowl" shot, dramatic conversations between silk cravat wearing men, constant bickering, misplaced circus music, bizarre flashbacks reminiscent of faux-German expressionism, the horror aesthetic of the 4th grade and heaps of dramatic overacting. This all inevitably leads to the expected & ungratifying ending.

In the end, you will be happy to still be alive, but the pain might be too great to bear alone. This is probably the 2nd funniest of the series, behind the Oozing Skull, with some great lines such as: "We're like the white Jacksons" or "Check it out. I'm acting backwards." Share children, share.

S&M night at John Carradine's house.

Screen shots here.

Read non-Cinematic version here.

Review of "The Wasp Woman" (1959)

The Wasp Woman (1959)

Smooth as honey, painful acid.

I think those are bees.

Dr. Zinthrop extracts royal jelly from a queen wasp, which is the key to his development of a rejuvenation formula. On the other side of the world, Janice Starlin is a former model/starlet that has created a cosmetics company based on her image. Her age is now affecting her sales. By Corman chance(I mean random), Zinthrop meets with Starling to develop a human version. Zinthrop decides to test it on Starlin herself. Starlin's patience with science wears thing & she decides to overdose on the test compound, with comic results.

The eventual results of watching this movie: madness.

I wish I could tell you there is more, but sadly Corman packed the movie with as many items from an office-supply company catalog as possible. Makes one wonder who funded the movie. 73 long minutes loaded full of scenes of bureaucracy including office phone calls, business lunches, several board meetings, filing, paying invoices, office small talk, searching through drawers, searching for missing persons, driving around, sneaking around rooms, delivery of things, delegating tasks, riding elevators and going over an itinerary. The scenery more than makes up for this by placing us in remote & exotic locations like a boardroom, an office and a room made to look like a laboratory. In all honesty, there is a scene with Dr. Zinthrop walking around the woods, by himself, or the scene where we are driven around to crazy carnival music. Neither seems to have much relevance to the actual movie, however.

Bruno VeSota, in one of his finest roles, as the expendable night watchman.

In the end, not even the presence of Bruno VeSota (a.k.a. the poor man's Orson Welles) could salvage this monstrosity of boredom. Under no circumstances should you watch this without the accompaniment of friends or in a non-Cinematic Titanic version. 1.5x setting was the perfect speed to keep from going into a coma. Failure to do so will result in severe psychological damage.

All the screen shots available here.

Review of "Doomsday Machine" (1972)

Doomsday Machine (1972)


Two movies for the price of one. Bulk isn't always better, but I don't believe it. I DON'T BELIEVE IT!

Casey Kasem during the "dark times".

This is the second movie from Cinematic Titanic (the first being the Oozing Skull), also released in 1972 and both containing the acting talents of Grant Williams, dubbed by some as "one of the four actors of the apocalypse". After watching them back-to-back, you will realize just how true that moniker is.

The communist Chinese develop the gumball technology of doom, who's detonation force will "rupture the faults of the earth's surface and setup a chain reaction of explosions when the earth's tension is broken." For the lay person, this means that the Earth will be destroyed. The US response is to replace half of the all-male crew of Project Astra, who's goal was a mission to Venus for a 2 year trip, with a female crew. Instead of the planned mission, they become humanity's Adam & Eve/Noah's Ark insurance policy. Will humanity survive?

La-Z-Boy, one of the fine sponsors of this film.

There are two distinct movies here. The first part is a genuine attempt at a low budget science fiction narrative with a message (albeit derived & unoriginal) in the nature of Ikarie XB1. That movie dies suddenly somewhere over Venus. You are probably asking yourself how will you know when that is? Trust me, you'll know. It is when the second movie starts, all with different faceless-actors in a dark room doing stuff. This leads into stills & voice-over narrative. Fin.

In the end all you remember is that a lot of painful, pointless dialog occurred, with female astronauts walking around a rocket in their pink robes. And then it all ends in a whimpering blaze (yes I know this is oxymoronic, but it is how I felt). You are not quite sure if anything ended, except the life span of several of your neurons. ad astra per alia porci.

The unfortunate effects of watching this movie at normal speed : insanity.

As an alternative I have developed levels of fast-forwarding that does not deter from the watching experience (as the voice and sound effects can still be distinguished) but alleviates most of the sources of movie induced hemorrhages; 1.5x speed-up & 2x speed-up. The first option is less severe and almost unnoticeable. It will reduce the film length by a 1/3. The second option should only be used in cases of severe pain and it will alter the movie drastically & reducing the film time by 1/2. During the course of watching the Doomsday Machine, I alternated between 1.5x & 2x frequently. Even with the crew of the Cinematic Titanic helping, it was still too much pain for me to bear (again).

Save me Casey Kasem!!

The remaining screen shots here.

Non-Cinematic Titanic version here.

Review of "Brain of Blood" (1972)

Brain of Blood (1972)

(a.k.a. - The Oozing Skull, The Undying Brain, The Creature's Revenge)

I think it will be more than wonderful presenting Cinematic Titanic.

Mystery Science Theater 3000 was a staple for many. When it went off air, we searched for an outlet. Out of the darkness & rubble, first arose the Film Crew(now defunct) and RiffTrax. Both these endeavors revolved around Mike, Kevin & Bill, and thus only part of the original crew. The remaining cast, Joel, Trace,Frank & Mary, started Cinematic Titanic. The Oozing Skull is their first release.

So visceral, so bright.

In the Muslim country of Khalid (fictional), its benevolent leader/dictator,Reed Hadley as Amir, is dying of cancer. Amir dies and a desperate plot unfolds. His body is wrapped in aluminum foil and taken in a clandestine operation (the population does not know of his death) consisting of his doctor (Nigserian) and Mohammed, out of the country to perform a risky brain transplant. The surgery is being performed by the disgraced Dr. Kent Taylor, who believes there is no chance of failure and has two assistants. One of them is about 3 feet high (Master Blaster did indeed run Barter Town) and the other is a mutilated & traumatized 7 foot giant named Gor. What could possibly go wrong??

Master Blaster runs Barter Town!!

Did I forget to mention Amir's deathbed American, blonde-Barbie wife, Tracy or that Dr. Kent has a dungeon with female slave test subjects & delusions of grandeur? How about a brain transplant that didn't take? There is a lot of double-dealing throughout this and people are killed, but I'm not going to lie to you anymore : MISSION ACCOMPLISHED. The ends justify the means. If you can accept that then you will not have to waste 80 minutes. I hope that is warning enough. Don't say I didn't warn you. If you must watch, then don't watch alone and have plenty of medicine standing by.

I prefer the new format, in that all "sketches" occur with the movie in pause, in front of the screen and not as a separate location. Also the inclusion of 5 commentators, instead of the traditional 3, opens up the possibilities for some truly dynamic exchanges. The Oozing Skull is a perfect first choice as it is nearly impossible to watch alone and remain conscious. "It's like Chinese sound effect torture."The crew of the Cinematic Titanic make going down with the ship a pleasant experience, to be repeated with friends.

Do not attempt this movie raw.

Here is the link to the non-Cinematic Titatic IMDB.com comment.

The rest of the screen shots are here.

Review of "The Starfighters (1964)"

The Starfighters (1964)

It's a Man's Life in the Air Force

I would love to lie and say this movie is epic and memorable, but much like its title, it would be misleading. I will save you the trouble right now, there are no Starfighters (people or ships). The Starfighter is just the name of a prototype jet that is being flown by our protagonists. This is an Air Force melodrama (think Top Gun but boring and unfunny in every possible way) surrounding 3 test pilots and their day-to-day operation, like refueling drills. It seems to have been funded by the US Air Force and might have been used at one time as a recruitment film (until the Air Force found it detrimental to recruitment).

I have only seen this movie in MST3k form and cannot possible imagine trying to survive this movie without some robot companions. To give you an idea of the amount of pain it causes, I will rate this movie at 9 shots of Jameson. Even after 9, I didn't feel sufficiently numbed to the effects of this movie. I just hurts from start to finish.

Exciting things occur like : stock footage of jets, jets refueling, pilots going out on dates, pilots talking to father over the phone, pilot's dad talking to son's commander, more stock footage of refueling, scenes of pilots attempting make out sessions in the desert, awkward angled conversations between pilots, more stock footage and refueling sequences. That is the extent of the recall I wish to retain from the watching of this film. To quote Bela : "Bevare! Take Care!" and skip this movie.

Review of "Cry Wolf" (2005)

Cry Wolf (2005)

Written by the co-authors of Robot Monster and the "infamous Bobby Ewing is in the shower and not dead" episode of Dallas.

If you have seen Robot Monster or that infamous episode of Dallas, where a whole season was a "dream", then you will know what's going on in this movie. This has only two possible outcomes : 1) you love been lead astray along long twisty, dark avenues that lead nowhere and seemingly come out of left field or 2) you are angered, outraged and throwing your remote at the TV for the very same reason.

This all takes place at an elite boarding high school, where 8 elite students are bored with their "elite" existence. The 8 are made of a clichéd range of elite students including the misunderstood troublemaker, the sport-jock-meat-head, the I-think-I'm smarter than everyone else and even "the alternative" I'm doing this to get back at my parents. They play a game where they deceive each other to gain points. It is taken to an extreme, when they all agree to come up with a new game based on the events in town (a woman is shot in the face and her body is dumped in the woods). They decide to create a spam email, in which they fabricate a serial killer and his modus operandi.

This build up is typical, predictable and boring. It takes more than 1/2 the movie to get to the point where we start to wonder :

1) did the killer magically appear through some mass belief ("we-think-therefore-we-are" principle), or

2) is there a real serial killer out there and

a) did he just happen to read one of these emails and become interested or b) was it just cosmic fate where the fictional and reality coincide in the same place (Twilight Zone principle).

3) or the realization that this movie is going nowhere, and we know it's going to annoy us to no end, yet we want to stick around for the car crash just so we can throw anything within reach, at the screen.

Both Bon Jovi and Gary Cole make appearances in the movie, but you wouldn't really take notice due to the bad accents, limited screen time and canned dialog. There really isn't much to this movie. It is trying to "thrill" us, the same way a magician at a 6-year-old's backyard birthday party would pull a rabbit out of a top hat. I say for the sake of your home entertainment system, and your mental state, you avoid this movie and instead read a book or perhaps perform ritualistic body modification on yourself. Anything is better than watching this.