Review of "Southland Tales (2006)"

Southland Tales (2006)

Movies like this don't kill themselves, unfortunately they end with a whimper.

Richard Kelly's second directorial feature film is schizophrenic mess. There have been rumors of several versions of this movie, but I have only seen the 144 minute version.

In an alternate version of America, after a nuclear attack on American soil, the country turns into a militarily fascist state. In present day (2008 coincidentally), a well known actor (the Rock himself, Dwayne Johnson) disappears and then re-appears somewhere else, but with amnesia. What happened? What happened is perhaps Richard Kelly has been over-interacting with giant inter-dimensional talking rabbits. The plot is a convoluted mess of previously done material. It felt like I was watching a mash-up of Escape from New York, Total Recall, Running Man, Death Race 2000, Robocop, Minority Report, TimeCop, Enemy of the State, 6th Day, Gattaca, Dark City, and probably a mess of other movies.

There is nothing inherently wrong with creating your own dystopic universe as long as you have a story to back up your universe. In most of these movies the plot is usually overly (and sometimes unnecessarily) complicated and convoluted. I can live with that so long as I come away with something. First and foremost about Southland Tales is that the introduction is storyboarded, accompanied by faux "internet" and regular news, and a narrative by Justin Timberlake. Not that this isn't informative, but it goes on a little long and Kelly reuses this method a few too many times to move the story forward.

In this new and complicated world, there are many factions at work and everything seems to revolve around Boxer Santeros (The missing Rock) and a police office, Roland Taverner. I won't try to unravel the mystery, as it seems to be more of a Russian doll set with the final doll containing nothing but air inside.

The biggest problem is that the movie spends an enormous amount of time building the story, only to leave you hanging out to dry at the end. The world ends? Really?? Really? It ends dramatically instead of a whimper? Really?? Is it implied? Does it happen after the fade to black? I appreciate the director's attempt at a possible and alternate world, his use of Biblical reference and cross-reference to events in the movie and the Total Recall story line (is it all a dream or is this real), but in the end it is all for not.

The amazing cast is also wasted as is the opportunity to make a timely and relevant message. I guess thats Hollyw0od for you. There is a message but it never delves past the superficial. In my opinion the message is a bit "DUH" (the response to someone telling you something obvious like water's wet, the sky is blue and the world is spherical), especially in light of all the previously mentioned futuristic predecessors.

Just because Richard Kelly discovered what most should already know, does not make it a good film. Instead, Richard would have to offer a different perspective to make it relevant, but instead he decides to hide his lack of originality in subterfuge. Richard also does not do action well, further handicapping what could have been an enjoyably, exaggerated action movie world. This isn't a bad movie, but because the director feels the need to disguise it in non-existent layers just hurts everything.

Normally I would offer an alcoholic recommendation for movies like this, mostly for the pain, but in this case I don't think it will help. I recommend you try any one of the movies I referred to earlier and hope that Richard Kelly isn't a one trick pony.

Review of "Deja Vu (2006)"

Deja Vu (2006)

This all seems so familiar.....

TimeCop. This is TimeCop without the "Muscles from Brussels". The plot is not the same yet the vehicle is. Also, do not forget the 2 drink minimum with Denzel Washington.

A ferry blows up in New Orleans carrying mostly servicemen and civilians. Denzel Washington is an ATF agent sent to investigate. The first half of the movie is your typical police drama/investigation. It is the second half of the movie that feels like someone sucker punched you in the gonads. Let me rephrase that. It is so completely over the top and full of paradoxes that it makes Millennium seem like a Broadway musical.

It isn't that this is a bad movie. The problem is that it isn't consistent and that hurts it dramatically. If it went full on science fiction or basic detective story, it would have worked. The problems is the sudden flip. I thought there was something wrong with the DVD or maybe the director had seen too much of Memento recently. And yes, Paula Patton is easy on the eyes, but she spends half the movie being dead. I don't swing that way, sorry.

TimeCop worked on a purely science fiction and campy level. It is like that from beginning to end. Deja Vu tries first to be realistic and then sneaks in the incredible midway plot twist (like we were sufficiently drunk enough to try a rear entry through the back door without anyone noticing). It just becomes ridiculous. This is further complicated by the happy, yet somehow implausible and strangely creepy, ending.

This is a pure rental. Unless you enjoy happy, yet implausible endings, love stories involving dead people and/or science fiction so watered down you can't taste it , I suggest you try something else.

Review of "Behind the Mask: The Rise of Leslie Vernon (2006)"

Behind the Mask: The Rise of Leslie Vernon (2006)

Mockumentary of a "Halloween" archetypal killer using the Scream equation.

Have you seen Halloween, Friday the 13th, Nightmare on Elm Street, etc? Even if you haven't seen these movies, you have at the very least heard the names somewhere. This film begins as a documentary about a fictional killer, Leslie Vernon. Leslie is very much in the vein of Michael Meyers or Jason Vorhees. He also follows a series of "guidelines" by which he operates (Scream made fun of these "rules").

The first 1/2 of the film is presented as footage from a documentary crew as they follow Leslie around and are given a first row seat and are even asked to participant in his "craft" and its planning. This is the part of the movie that is fresh and quite entertaining. Leslie does not come across as a psychopath but is presented as more of an artisan or artist. He even has a mentor, who was a serial killer in the 70's/80's. Most of the flavor of this part is humorous .

The second half of the movie (a visible switch from documentary crew perspective to phantom camera) turns basically into a slasher movie. It is a slasher movie with a twist, which I didn't realize until one of the characters points it out. Its cute, but I generally found this second half of the movie to be derivative, albeit with a twist. The sudden seriousness of the situation is meant to confuse us into shock. This is all but nullified by the character's knowledge of the upcoming events. Even though the plan changes nonetheless, their awareness of the situation diffuses most of the impact. The first kills in these type of movies occur in the fog of war. When the threat is revealed, this usually signals the demise of the killer (sheer overwhelming numbers and physical trauma from those numbers attacking add up).

Nathan Baesel does a great job as the killer, Leslie Vernon. The camera men are mostly invisible (until the second half), except for the fact that their snark remarks seems ever present. The reporter (Angela Goethals, related to the bridge of the same name in NYC) is the 2nd most present character, after Leslie, and unfortunately is quite annoying. I'm not sure its the acting. Also a nice cameo by Robert Englund as the good guy for a change. He isn't more than a Vincent Price cameo, however.

The movie flows very much like Rob Zombie's Halloween remake (first half good, second bad), except better. This is not a great movie, but not a dud either. If you need a hand in guessing if you should see this movie, ask yourself a question. How did you feel after you saw Haute Tension (High Tension)? If you liked that feeling, watch this movie.

Review of "The Sentinel (2006)"

The Sentinel (2006)

Clint Eastwood was better.

Michael Douglas is a Secret Service agent, who took a bullet for Bonzo, uh, I mean Reagan. That was then, this is now. Think Clint Eastwood in the Line of Fire, except instead of John Malkovich as the antagonist, we have a Secret Service mole and instead of Renee Russo as the love interest, Michael Douglas is having an affair with a former first lady (a.k.a. whatever happened to Kim Basinger).

The director, Clark Johnson, derives most of his experience from the television series Homicide : Life on the Street (in which he starred and even directed a few episodes) and S.W.A.T. If I wanted a realistic portrayal of tactical situations and procedures, Clark Johnson would be my choice. So if I wanted to make the movie version of Rogue Spear, Splinter Cell, Full Spectrum Warrior or a remake of Navy Seals, I would call him, knowing full well the story/plot would take the last seat at the back of the bus.

The movie has a very interesting initial premise that is then beaten, rapped, spat on, urinated on and set on fire. Michael Douglas is a decorated and respected agent who suspects a mole and then becomes the suspect. This was the part that hooked me and got me to keep watching. Unfortunately, this suspense lasts approximately 10 minutes and then dives head first into the deep, shallow end of clichéd predictability. What we are left with resembles direct to video or made for TV (a.k.a. Sci-Fi Channel original minus the laughter).

Kiefer Sutherland seems to be reprising his Jack Bauer role from 24 and Eva Longoria continues her meteoric rise to mediocrity, with her non-existent (or if it exists, untapped) talent (and by talent I mean actual acting ability and not just how she looks). Martin Donovan is also in the movie, but seems to have been typecast as either a doctor or some sort of law enforcement. I loved him in Weeds, but here he (and the rest of the cast as well) is as flat as 2 day old opened soda. It is nice to see Kim Basinger in a movie, but it seemed like they got her Bowfinger style. Maybe they told her they were filming a training video??

Unless you are an insomniac, have a strange attraction to whips, chains and beatings, are wasted to the point that you can't stand or walk or are a die-hard, lifetime member of the Michael Douglas fan club, I recommend you skip this one. According to my "shot scale" this is definitely a 5 drink minimum.

Review of "Ultraviolet (2006)"

Ultraviolet (2006)

Bloodrayne Aeon Flux '84

The above summary actually sounds better, as an idea in and of itself, than the resulting movie. After Kurt Wimmer's surprisingly entertaining and under looked Equilibrium (starring pre-Batman Christan Bale), I had high expectations for his third movie. I had seen this movie in it's theatrical debut. I remember leaving the theater, however, confused and bewildered. I figured the second time around would yield a better indicator of the actual worth of the movie.

Kurt Wimmer made a movie based on a non-existing comic book. The convoluted story is about a pathophobic authoritarian dystopia, where a super soldier virus evolves into a plague and leads to forced relocations and ultimately genocide. Two factions are born; the healthy (medial totalitarian state) and the infected (terrorist rebel underground - a.k.a. hemophages, a.k.a. "blood-eaters", a.k.a. vampires). Symptoms of the infection include stronger bones, better hearing and eyesight, faster healing and hyper-fast reflexes. The only drawback is the dozen year life span.

In all honesty, I like the first half of this movie. The first 5 minutes is an action movie delight, complete with an air bomb/bowling ball ninja death squad. The narrative voice-over, that follows, is when the dread begins. This is mostly due to the realization that this is a puree of preexisting ideas. Equilibrium (also a puree) worked because it didn't try too hard. It didn't fall into the computer graphics trap. It presented a world that was slightly askew, yet eerily possible. All those things that worked in Equilibrium have been tweaked here to the nth degree and subsequently combines into a Frankenstein movie. Unfortunately, it just looks, feels and acts too much like an Aeon Flux clone. Do we really need two?

The movie is a hell of a nonsensical but visually stimulating ride, until about 1/2 way through. This is about the time when our infected and meta-skilled heroine, Violet (Milla Jovovich), ends up on the fence between her people and the organization she is sworn to defend because her maternal instincts kick in. A highly skilled assassin turns into a highly skilled assassin-soccer mom. Milla Jovovich has a certain knack for picking outrages roles and generally excels in things requiring little acting ability. She does look exceptional in a tight body suit. Some of the technology has a nice wow-factor (gravity leveler and transportable space, to name a couple), but is simply there for show.

The second half of the movie is her trying to act in the middle of a nonsensical, non-stop action scenario. It becomes a case of "are we done yet?". It is just too much and too repetitious to deal with. Nothing new is added to the mix after this point, so it becomes a case of rinse & repeat. As in his previous movie, colors are primary and important. I guess Wimmer forgot to add the visual context, because all the color changes just seem to be part of the cool factor and have little to do with the plot. There is a lot of wire work and continuation of gun-kata (from Equilibrium). The problem is we are made to believe that a nurse and wife became an uber, meta-human assassin through a metabolic change and not training. Is Wimmer choosing nature over nurture or is he just so intoxicated off the smell of his own genius that he didn't even consider what he was creating?

For Wimmer this is his Modern Prometheus. It is the monster he created with his own hands, that is currently proving to be his outdoing. On my "shot scale" this is a 5 drink minimum. The top half is good, with the bottom half being synonymous to diving head-first into an empty swimming pool. Save the last 3 shots for the second half of the movie, as you will be bored to tears otherwise. Here's a toast to Wimmer. May his next movie not suck! Zum Wohl!

Review of "Rocky Balboa (2006)"

Rocky Balboa (2006)

Hey, Tommy !! I didn't hear no bell.......

This is a segue into a tangent from Commando.

We can only hope, at this point, that Sylvester Stallone has heard the final bell and will be retiring Rocky. It is safe to bet that this is the last Rocky movie. The only exceptions would include 1) Sylvester Stallone as producer/director/writer but not actor; 2)Stallone in a cameo role (a Rocky movie where the namesake of the movie is a cameo role is either sheer madness or sheer brilliance) or 3) Sylvester Stallone in Rocky Ho-tep. Bruce Campbell as Sylvester Stallone, might work, with the right script. Maybe Rocky could fight Apollo Creed-Zombie?

So in light of the above, this is the farewell of one Rocky Balboa. The first movie was the introduction of the blue collar, Philadelphia everyman of Rocky Balboa, who got to live out the "American Dream". It is the quintessential sports movie, yet it isn't and even still, is much more. The second movie is in my opinion the worst of the series because it is essentially the first movie with a happy ending. It did have Rocky reading out loud and learning to read, which is funny. The third and fourth movies are products of the 1980's. Like the 80's, they are a bit gaudy, self involved, bright and very, very hyper (sniff here please). Also Apollo Creed (Carl Weathers) has been replaced by Clubber Lang (Mr. T) and Ivan Drago (Dolph Lundgren). After returning from abroad, the fifth movie is essentially Rocky down and out in South Philadelphia. We get back to Rocky's roots and to his legacy. This movie fits very nicely in this chronology.

This movie basically mirrors or is parallel to the first movie in everything except time. We return to all the people and places (that still remain) from his youth. There are some differences. Adrian is now sleeping with Apollo Creed. She's dead Jim!! No Talia, No Problem!! Paulie gets into the action by getting fired and becoming an angry drunk in the process. Rocky even manages a disturbingly uneasy pseudo-relationship with a woman that could be his daughter, in a Gump sort of way.

Rocky, himself, has turned into a Forrest-Gump-Spouting philosophical slab of aged and tenderized beef. He has his own restaurant, in which he walks around and entertains the patrons in true Mickey Mantle-like style. His relations are still strained with his son from the previous movie. This time around even Stallone's son did not want to replay Rocky's son (see Sage Stallone). Rocky (and/or Stallone by proxy) has not aged well. Rocky has become a prime example of too much steroid use and the recipient of too many blows to the head. If he didn't walk around, he could have been mistaken for an animatronic wax statue at Madame Tussauds.

In all honesty, the first time I saw this movie I couldn't help but feel as if this was trying to be a caricature of itself. Stallone's leathery skin and speech is enough to scare anyone into a laugh. There is a point where that changes. It took just one little speech to change it. I loved the speech Rocky gives to his son about life as not being how hard you could hit, but about how many hits you could take and keep going. Up to this point, the movie had been a comical look at Rocky. To be quite honest, all of the Rocky movies, with the exception of the first, have had thick layers of ham and cheese, inducing laughter in the process. Even though Rocky is older, doesn't mean he is any less funny. The speech epitomizes Rocky and salvages the movie.

The best part is that the actual fight is not the crescendo climax of the movie. This is the first Rocky movie in which his opponent is unimportant and unimpressive. Rocky's opponent isn't Mason Dixon (Antonio Tarver), but time itself. The moment the bell rings is both the triumph, victory and end of Rocky. It was the speech, however, that allowed me to see this movie a second time, for perspective. The second time around wasn't as funny, yet it still worked. It proves this isn't a one-trick pony sent to the glue factory. It isn't the best in the series, but it is a good send off for an icon. Hopefully, he stays there.

Review of "Bottom Feeder (2006)"

Bottom Feeder (2006)

Adventures in Maintenance

This movie's notoriety comes not from itself but rather as a rest stop in the Twilight Zone that is the life of Tom Sizemore. It was prominently showcased in the VH1 reality show about the events following rehab and the crystal meth induced flashbacks of Tom Sizemore's "Shooting Sizemore". It is clear from watching the show that this movie was not an option for Tom Sizemore. It is obvious that he had money problems at the time and would have done dog food commercials if anyone had offered. It is also the movie he quit two days into shooting. After a lot of soul searching, this movie was filmed and Tom was back on the road.

This is a low-budget straight to video type movie. If Tom wasn't in this movie, no one would have probably blinked. There is no originality in anything this movie tries. The elements are piecemeal Frankenstein with Machiavellian conspiracies from the vantage point of custodians. The release of this movie in any form is an accomplishment in itself. I keep thinking this would have been perfect on an adult version of the Sci-Fi Channel. Oh right, thats Cinemax.

A scientist develops a Wolverine-like serum with consequences (which are somewhat vague and leave the possibility for a sequel). An offspring of Pineapple Pokopo and Bruce VeSota attempts to get the serum for his own needs. The serum is not tested and the scientist is "volunteered" to test it. The rest is a Predator-like cat and mouse game, in some abandoned sewer-like corridors. First they try and capture it. When that doesn't work, elimination is the next option.

Tom does an adequate job with a half-ass story and horrible dialog. This is the kind of dialog that belongs in a Steven Seagal movie. You can tell Tom is just going through the motions and he still outshines everyone else. I am not even going to wonder where they got the fake Jamaican hobo, Sarge. I haven't seen a performance that bad since Jar Jar Binks tried it.

This is an appropriately titled movie, since Tom was rock-bottom at the time and everyone else has been scrapping the bottom of the acting barrel for years. I wouldn't be surprised if some of these "actors" had to act for food (a.k.a. porn). It isn't that this movie is enjoyable, it is more that it is not annoying (except for Sarge). Give it a chance as a rental, if you like low-budget modern schlock or Tom Sizemore.