Review of "La Battaglia di Maratona" (1959)

La Battaglia di Maratona (1959)
(a.k.a. The Giant of Marathon)

"They tied her to the 9th hole of the Put-Put Golf Course."

Mystery Science Theater 3000 was a staple for many. When it went off the air, we searched for an outlet. Out of the darkness & rubble, first arose the Film Crew(now defunct) and RiffTrax. Both these endeavors revolved around Mike, Kevin & Bill. This is last movie of the four movies (picked democratically by the "Internet") the Crew laid track for before disbanding. Honcho Home Video Presentation's motto is "every movie deserves a commentary." Mr.Honcho decides to go Greek and makes the Crew lay down a track for the Giant of Marathon (original Italian titles translates to "the battle of Marathon").

The format of the DVD is identical to the other 3. There is an introductory scene with Bob Honcho on the phone selecting the movie, a lunch break in the middle of the movie(where they end up not eating usually) and a finale sketch (in this case making outrageous hats and a racial rambling about the Basque). As with the other DVDs there is bonus selection. This one is in two parts. The first is Mike's apology attempts towards the Persians and Italians. The second part is the commentary track of an electrician extra from the movie (sketch).

Steve after passing an Olympian-sized kidney stone.

This is the typical Italian sword & sandal epic : low budget, melodramatic cardboard acting, repetitive, horrible dubbings, sub-par action sequences, "loads" of homo-erotic imagery & one chiseled foreign bodybuilder on the marquee. In this case, a beardless Steve Reeves as the marathon's progenitor, Phillipides.

We start with the story of how Phillipides becomes champion of the olympics, as the credits & titles roll. This is immediately followed by a lengthy written paragraph, setting up the back story of the love rectangle between Phillipides and Theocratis' arranged wife (Andromeda) and his concubine (the mannish Karis). The front story is your basic power struggle, mixed in with conspiracy and some battles with the Persians. We can't forget the Spartans. Then toss.

"Torturing horses is job one for this movie."

These epics seem like historical re-enactments in terms of the dialog, acting, costumes, sets and battles. History is the casualty in most, however, as is the enjoyment level and consciousness. The historical aspect would have been the only saving grace. Instead, crack the grappa, watch this with friends and savor the unintentional comic genius present in this movie. It is a rare and beautiful thing for the genre, though most of good ones star Steve Reeves. Also see Hercules and Hercules Unchained for reference.

Even though the internet picked this fourth, it is arguably the best of the four Film Crew movies. I dare to say that it is comparable (if not better) to the MST3k version of Hercules or Hercules Unchained (both with Steve Reeves). This movie is dedicated to men in diapers.

See all the screen shots here.

Non-Film Crew IMDB.com comment.

Review of "Walk the Angry Beach"(1968)

Walk the Angry Beach(1968)
(a.k.a. Hollywood After Dark)

WARNING: Rue McClanahan stripping with sweaty, naked back. Now vomit. Then eat more Drano.WARNING.

Mystery Science Theater 3000 was a staple for many. When it went off the air, we searched for an outlet. Out of the darkness & rubble, first arose the Film Crew(now defunct) and RiffTrax. Both these endeavors revolved around Mike, Kevin & Bill. This is the first of four movies (picked democratically by the "Internet") the Crew laid track for before disbanding. Honcho Home Video Presentation's motto is "every movie deserves a commentary." CEO, Bob Honcho, has a thing for Golden Girl, Rue McClanahan, so the Crew must do Hollywood After Dark.

Bob Honcho himself, the source of pain to be watched. His MST3k counterpart is Dr.Forrester.

The format of the DVD is identical to the other 3. There is an introductory scene with Bob Honcho on the phone selecting the movie, a lunch break in the middle of the movie(where they end up not eating usually) and a finale sketch(in this case the replication of the light bulb strike to the head). As with the other DVDs there is second selection, usually a short vignette. This one is title "Ode to Lunch" where Bill recites a short poem(about lunch obviously).

Unless you have ever thought about what it would be like to see your grandmother in her prime, wearing a bikini or less, don't bother watching this. The only remarkable thing about this film is Rue McClanahan and the possibility that she took this role because she saw something of herself in the character. Don't eat a heavy meal before or any meal while you watch this, as it can prove to be a choking risk.

Rue's striptease. It only gets worse from here.

Locations: A Hollywood junkyard, a Hollywood beach, a Hollywood highway, and a Hollywood set made to resemble your typical international burlesque house & LA lofts.

Plot: Jack Webb lookalike attempts to recruit an ex-navy & hyper-cynical underwater demolition expert, named Tony (the hairy Jack Vorno), for a heist.

Subplot: Rue McClanahan is an aspiring actress who works at Jack Webb's brother's burlesque, to pay the bills. After a confusing transition and conversation with Tony in which Rue explains that there are limits to her stripping, Tony expresses his stark cynicism. Stripping at the burlesque, by the way, is down to underwear and pasties. The only nudity here is Rue's sweaty, bare back (literally, back). Then the date at the beach.

The director's initial inspiration for Fight Club.

Conflict: Rue meets with a "writer" at his "office"(apartment) to do a "reading." After what seems to be hours, Rue has been drugged(or not) or very drunk(or not) and the writer either makes out with her(or not) or rapes her(or not). Insert fisticuffs. Keep the audience confused.

Conflict resolution: Rue descends into hell as she bares her top for the lascivious W. Hollywood mob. Show Rue's sweaty, back. In the midst of his guilt, Tony agrees to the heist; his share to go to Rue, so they can start over.

Twist: 15 minutes of dialog free "action" followed by double-cross.

Morale: Hollywood will destroy you, first morally and then physically. Don't bother coming here.

Check out non-Film Crew IMDB.com comment here.

You can find the rest of the screen shots here.

Review of "Killers from Space"(1954)

Killers from Space(1954)


Any episode of Biography is way better than these glaucomic projectionists from space.

WARNING!! Seizures, spasms, drooling and anger are all know side effects of the Killers from Space. Don't fight it or you might end you like Kevin here.

Mystery Science Theater 3000 was a staple for many. When it went off the air, we searched for an outlet. Out of the darkness & rubble, first arose the Film Crew(now defunct) and RiffTrax. Both these endeavors revolved around Mike, Kevin & Bill. This is the second of four movies the Crew laid track for before disbanding. In this session, Bob Honcho Enterprises' president, Bob Honcho, selects Killers from Space.

The format of the DVD is identical to the other 3. There is an introductory scene with Bob Honcho on the phone selecting the movie, a lunch break in the middle of the movie and a finale sketch(in this case demonstration of a "Robichet" acting device). As with the other DVDs there is second selection, usually a short vignette. This one is a series of 5 audio outtakes for one scene, called "did you know."

The last thing an alien abductee sees before their memory is wiped.

The movie begins in the middle of stock footage of U.S. Air Force planes (black & white, 1940's & 1950's), radar dishes, people messing with knobs, dials and switches, planes flying, planes landing, planes taking off, etc. A nuclear test in about to commence. Peter Graves is Dr. Martin, the lead scientist on the test. He is up in a plane (designated "Tar Baby 1"), circling the event and gathering data.

Shortly after the explosion, something unexpected occurs and the plane crashes. Martin mysteriously shows up at the base, with no memory of what has transpired and a scar over his nipple. He starts behaving strangely or so it seems to everyone else in the movie. To the people watching, we hope Peter Graves won some sort of acting award because it can't be easy to act while in a coma.

Captain Over meet Mr. Unger.

This is a truly epic horror movie. The horror is not the subject but rather the effect on the individual. The "Killers from Space" don't appear until more than 1/2 way through the movie and our protagonist, Dr. Martin, has the personality of a Fuccon. Add to this 20 minutes of a sodium amethol(not sure this kind of truth serum exists) induced flashback, a 5 minute chase scene in a power plant (involving running up & down the stairs, as well as using elevators and hiding behind things) and an unusual number of grisly close ups.

I didn't even mention the all too numerous shots of Peter Graves in front of a screen showing a reptile or insect close up or that the plot revolves around a clichéd group of extraterrestrials who's home planet is unlivable and they want to squat or take over our planet. Did I mention the heavy tobacco sponsorship? I counted 8 scenes in the movie, where the sole purpose was to showcase cigarettes or pipe tobacco. In one scene, all 3 characters conversing in the scene are smoking. Was the world really like that or what big-Tobacco wanted it to be? Not even a cameo by Coleman Francis can save this movie from the fate of being watched at 2x speed, from now on.

Thirsty... sick man..... water. Coleman makes the call.

I struggled with rating this movie. The movie is truly horrible and the jokes aren't the best of the series but the overall score is indicative of the timing of the jokes to maximize relief from the pain. It's like eating something when you are really starving. The jokes, even though they're average, have a bigger impact on a much more horrible and dull movie. The impact is larger and so is the score.

You can find the non-Film Crew comment here.

The rest of the screen shots are here.

Review of "Wild Women of Wongo" (1958)

Wild Women of Wongo (1958)

It's a miracle the human race survived, but the Film Crew flourished for a little while longer.

Mystery Science Theater 3000 was a staple for many. When it went off the air, we searched for an outlet. Out of the darkness & rubble, first arose the Film Crew(now defunct) and RiffTrax. Both these endeavors revolved around Mike, Kevin & Bill. This is the third of four movies the Crew laid track for before disbanding and I believe is the best of the bunch.

The namesakes of the movie. DANCE!!

In this episode Bob Honcho picks the Wild Women of Wongo for the Crew to lay down a commentary track. As usually there are 3 sketches; beginning, lunch & end. The first sketch is about the air conditioning of the building. The lunch sketch is all about a map of the world and the final sketch is the testing of a match-making computer. As compared to the sketches in Hollywood After Dark & Killers from Space, these seem less forced and somewhat funnies. Sadly, none of Film Crew sketches compares to any from MST3k. There is a bonus section on the DVD and it contains two sketches: the Crew is forced to DANCE by the dragon god priestess & reenactment of the final scene of the movie, with cutouts.

Mama Cass searching for some food and a man.

A disembodied Mother Nature narrates a story 10,000 years in the making. The events of the great "Wongo"-"Goona"-"Monkey Men from the Sea" conflict are recounted. The manipulative Mother Nature has placed all the prettiest women with the Wongo tribe and the good looking men in the rival & nearby Goona tribe. The men of Wongo & women of Goona are suppose to be fugly. The Monkey Man threat is severely over-hyped, as is their involvement in the film.

The conflict arises when the son of the king of Goona arrives by canoe, waving the white-wing of peace, to warn Wongo of the arrival of the Monkey Men from the sea. The Wongo men, obviously jealous of his good looks, devise a plan to kill him. The Wongo women, lusting over the pretty man, decide to step in. The origins of humanity start are becoming clearer, but it just needs a few more ingredients.

Mr. Burns looks exactly as he did 10,000 years ago. Amazing.

Add a "Dragon God" (a.k.a. crocodile/alligator), the god's temple complete with one crazy priestess, some modern dance, leopard print & leather slips, lots of hair spray, blue hair, empty scenes of the "jungle", at least 12 cut-aways to an annoying parrot, stock footage of crocodiles/alligators, scenes of wandering through the jungle, several repetitions of previous footage, a scene of a woman trying to drown a crocodile/alligator and page upon page of horrible "savage-man" dialog (i.e. "me go", "Wongo not friend to Goona", Yoda teaching English class, etc.). Anyone can film a movie like this. Just go to the Florida Everglades or Keys and hire some bodies from Gold's Gym, don't forget to cater it and remember the script will figure itself out. The pain is excruciating. This is definitely the kind of movie to watch at 1.5x and not by oneself. Do NOT attempt this without the Crew, moreover bring many friends and several bottles of bourbon.

Click here for the rest of the screen shots.

Non-Film Crew IMDB.com comment here.