Review of "X-Men Origins:Wolverine" (2009)

X-Men Origins:Wolverine (2009)

Fewer laughs than X-Men: The Last Stand. Have adamantium bullets on standby.

Get the merchandising process started early. REWRITE!! That's fantastic.

After the X-Men's "Last Stand" and Wolverine's indestructible leather pants, my expectations going into a movie about Wolverine's origin story were extremely low (bordering on nonexistent). For this movie to be exciting in any way, you must either be a vegetable or seeing a "movie" for the first time. Sadly I fit into neither category.

I was conscious of my bias from the start. I own first editions of just about any comic book with the words "Wolverine" on it as well as Joe Madureira feral-Wolvie ink on my arm (circa 1997). I liked the trailers and word-of-mouth from the leaked torrent viewers was good. The thing that I saw was not.

Is that John McClane?

The opening scene recounts the basic story of the "Origins" limited series, in which the the man who would be Wolverine started off in the mid 19th century as the sickly child of John Howlett. After an altercation between his dad and the groundskeeper, an enraged boy pops his claws, murders and then runs for his life. The groundskeeper's son, Victor, accompanies him. According to the movie, Wolverine's mother had an affair with the groundskeeper and Victor is his brother. Fine, artistic licensing.

The best part of the movie ensues, with a montage of the two "brothers" fighting in every major conflict throughout the world. With the montage complete, the drudgery ensues. They are then recruited by William Stryker for a covert team, comprised of other mutants. While Victor becomes increasingly bloodthirsty over the years, Wolverine increasingly finds it distasteful and eventually drops out. He ends up living as a lumberjack in the wilds of Canada with this girlfriend, Kayla Silverfox. Just as Michael Corleone could not escape his "family" neither can Wolverine. His past returns and his girlfriend ends up as collateral damage. Revenge trip ensues.

I also hate it when the hot water runs out right in the middle of a shower.

The remaining lump of coal is a confused mash up of CG, explosions, random occurrences of X-Men characters (Emma "Silver Fox"??, Cyclops, the Blob, a should have stayed hidden Gambit and an almost unrecognizable Deadpool), wire work, violence and convoluted conspiracies gone awry. I was prepared for a mindless action-butchering of the Wolverine character. It was definitely a mindless butchering, but the action was less than gratifying. Ridiculous is a more accurate description of the action (there is no tongue in cheek here). The movie feels rushed and confused. It wants to be a mindless and enjoyable summer action movie (the result is ridiculously derived and boring) and also wants emotional depth (the motivations are there, paper thin and transparent).

The closest comparison I can muster is the emasculation of Thomas Jane's Punisher. Wolverine, just like the Punisher, will probably never have a good live-action adaptation because the people involved do not understand the characters or imbue them with characteristics not present. The failure is not in the adaption of the source, but in the very essence of the movie. It is flawed all around and tries to tell too much of the story in one sitting. I was ready for a completely different origin story from the comic sources. I was ready for mind-numbing action (see Crank for an example). Instead (and based off the title), we are left with a cheap looking (not cheaply made, however) and marketing based serial action film. Expect X-Men Origins: (fill in the X-Men member here), soon in a theater near you.

Check out the rest of the screen shots here.

Review of "Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Movie" (1996)

Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Movie (1996)


No stinger, no bite, but eye candy. Not the best, but still good.

"I'm not an alien."

The movie version of the popular TV show finally came to the big screen, but it's not a perfect adaptation. The guys are subjected to "This Island Earth" by the familiar Dr. Forrester. In between the condensed movie, there are 5 "sketches". Dr. Forrester's mad-scientist soliloquy & Crow drilling a hole to the Earth can be considered the first part. When the film melts and breaks is part two. There are two "interocitor" sketches and the credits.

Just say NO, to interocitors.

Dr. Cal Meacham is a gifted and important atomic scientist. So important that Lockheed lets him commute to work in one of their vehicles. A commute to work is flying a jet from DC to somewhere across the country. As Cal arrives at work the plane malfunctions, but (thankfully) he is saved by a mysterious and pulsating green glow. At work, more strange things appear. This time an ordering mishap occurs, giving Cal a "capacitor" of incredible specifications. A delivery of a metal-page catalog arrives and continues the strangeness, which ultimately leads to an ordering spree and the creation of an "interocitor".

Next, a strange white-haired "man", named Exeter, appears on the interocitor & reveals all. He admits that the catalog, the parts & their assembly were a test to verify his aptitude. Exeter is a recruiter for a scientific think-tank. Cal can't resist and ends up at a utopian-like mansion full of the world's best scientists. Some typical snooping later, the development of a love interest (Dr. Ruth, if only it were her) & the Professor's help, lead to the truth; Exeter is an alien and they are going to his home planet of Metaluna, with Cal & Ruth tagging along. BIG Surprise, right? No. Not at all actually. HELLO!. There are aliens on the movie posters even before you would have walked into the theater.

Toke! Toke!

I remember seeing this movie as a child on AMC on a Saturday afternoon. It was one of the first science fiction movies that had better than average production value and a plot line that was a bit more than an "alien-western" or "alien-horror" story. It's not perfect and it isn't Forbidden Planet (the overall best sci-fi movie of the 50's; story, special effects,etc.) either, but it is fast paced and enjoyable. Most sci-fi of the time is about an alien out to destroy us & our attempts to stop them. This Island Earth adds a small layer of actual science, some sympathetic extraterrestrials and colorful special effects to create something worth remembering. There are genuine attempts at science fiction here, restricted by the budget, studios and audience perception of the genre. Don't expect 2001: A Space Odyssey, but it's not Plan 9 from Outer Space either.

"Ladies & Gentlemen. A Flock of Seagulls!!"

This is by far the best production value of anything with Mystery Science Theater 3000 on it. The sets, models and robots look great. One of the funniest parodies of the series comes out of this: the "Normal View" scene. I enjoyed it so much that I made it my ringer. There is a strange "echo",however, that accompanies all the sketches, but that can be explained. This contributes to the the most pasteurized version of the show ever. It feels a little hollow. Frank and the opening credits, which were important to the series, are sadly missing here. The guys even do the credits for their own movie and in the end, it is still MST3k and it is still fun. You just have some regret of how much more amazing it could have been.

Screen shots here.

Review of "Posture Pals" (1952)

Review of Posture Pals (1952)

Ms. Martin's Silhouette Night

Pasture Pals??

Another instructional movie, typical of the 1950s. This one is about posture. The only claim to fame of Posture Pals is that MST3k used it for one of their sketches and it is probably the first film appearance of a pre-Laura Engels, Melissa Gilbert look-a-like. Crazy, right?

The future kings and queens of the grill.

As is typical with instructional films like this, it leaves a lot of room for unintended comedic consequences. The only good thing I can say about PP is the shortness, 10 minutes. It also marks the beginning of the change in educational policy from winner to winners concept and eventually leading to "last winner". I bet Mary, Tommy, Jimmy & Jane (respective Posture Queen, King, Prince & Princess) could burn all existing copies of this. I don't blame the kids. I blame Ms. Martin, the mime. Never trust a mime.

I crown myself, Queen of the Burgers and master of all I survey.

Plot points to remember:

1) Good health = good posture.

2) Good posture keeps you from being tired.

3) Develop the habit of good posture.

4) The way you look can depend upon your posture. Standing tall makes you look cheerful & happy.

See the full feature here:

The set of screen shots here.

Review of "Quantum of Solace" (2008)

Quantum of Solace (2008)


QoS = the prescription of visual torture, to induce violent retching in its viewing audience

Getting killed by the titles isn't such a bad way to go in comparison to watching the rest.

Casino Royale hinted at the resurgence of the Bond character, through emotional plot points & character development, diminishing the use of gimmicks, gadgets & high jinks and the use of more realism in action sequences (a.k.a. the Bourne effect). I thoroughly enjoyed Casino Royale. If the ridiculous title of this movie hasn't already given away its caliber, I will. It STINKS. Worst Bond movie ever! This movie makes me long for the Roger Moore days, when at least you could laugh at the ridiculousness. I would rather watch the non-Broccoli & aged Bond of Never Say Never Again than QoS. QoS is thin in every conceivable category except boredom, where there is plenty to go around.

The movie picks up about 3 minutes after the end of Casino Royale and puts us right in the middle of a Bond getaway through the serpentine roads of the Italian countryside. The usual stuff occurs; cars crash into one another, cars get shot, cars fall off cliffs, etc. We are then presented with a major plot point: there is a secret organization that's controlling everything and has infiltrated even MI6 and CIA.

Is this part of the plot?

We don't really explore that dangerous avenue much, as the movie is more interested in Bond's revenge goals (who is responsible for Vespa's death), Camille's revenge goals (paying back her father's killer), Greene's plot to create a drought in Bolivia for a nefarious scheme (why Bolivia??) and the CIA/MI6 double dealings with sketchy individuals/groups. Eggs are broken, omelets are made.

Although this movie is suppose to be Bond's closure in regards to Vespa, it doesn't actually answer much in the way of that back story and can be easily skipped. We need a whole movie to tell us that Vespa was duped by her N. African lover? It was kind of obvious from Casino Royale. There is little plot that actually makes sense as things become tediously confusing. A plot tool I like to call "double-dealing the double-deal" scenario.

Who needs plot when you have action, right? That is usually the case unless every scene reminds you of another movie (Bourne trilogy) or when you introduce ridiculous situations: i.e. a dogfight between a WW2 cargo & fighter plane or perhaps getting knocked out by a dingy. Bond doesn't use any gadgets, except for a phone and at one point he even takes a ride in a smart car. The only cool car Bond drives is a wreck from the opening scene. Bond's nemesis, Greene, is a petty middle-man for the secret organization (yet to be named), who's primary role in this movie is as that organization's herald. There is nothing remotely interesting or uncanny about him. He is not even clever/smart, but is just sleazy (an atypical role for a Bond nemesis).

Sony's new spokesman : "Buy BluRay or take a closer look at the business end of my implement"

Without the "Bond" moniker this is nothing more than an average revenge-based action movie. The stink of the writer's strike is all over this movie as it feels rushed from the plot, to the action & even the CG effects (CG parachute jump is atrocious). I bet the writers thought their Goldfinger homage with the "black gold" covering the Bond girl instead of real gold was clever. It all seems borrowed and severely unoriginal. A true waste of 100 minutes for those that can sleep, but a miracle cure for the insomniacs of the world. If you need your fix of Daniel Craig, then go back to Casino Royale (Layer Cake is even better) or stay tuned for next movie : "The Arc-Second of Truth".

The rest of the screen shots are here.

Review of "Star Wars:The Clone Wars" (2008)

Star Wars : The Clone Wars (2008)

If you loved Episode 2 : Attack of the Clones, then you'll love this thing.

Episodes 1-3 have made the Star Wars universe rather irrelevant. I blame George Lucas, since it was he that made it this way with the "quality" of the prequels. This was an opportunity to follow up the decent Star Wars : Clone Wars animated series and bring back some of that relevance. George Lucas had different plans. George thought it would be best to take his "opus" film series and literally defecated on it for the sake of making more money than he can spend in his or his children's lifetimes.

There were warning signs to the quality of this before the movie even started. I saw this at the AMC 84th St theater last night at a free preview. Lets just say the "over-sold" event was anything but (more than a dozen empty seats remained). The rest of the seats seemed to be filled with house-less people (as George would call them). I felt as if I was a stadium extra on the set of Major League 5. There was a row reserved for the press, but strangely it remained empty. Phones were confiscated and placed in zip lock bags with raffle tickets. Bags were searched and people were scanned with metal detectors. Funny, I still managed to get in with a camera. I didn't use it and also didn't have any notions of doing so. I am trying hard to forget the 90 minutes of my life that were wasted. Sadly the neuralizer has not been mass produced yet.

The movie starts with a Starship Trooper introductory narrative, disembodied reporter missing. The story takes place somewhere between Attack of the Clones and Revenge of the Sith. The war between the Separatists and the Republic continues. Jabba the Hutt's tadpole-like son is kidnapped and the Republic's traveling rights through the Outer Rim (controlled by the Hutts) is in jeopardy. Skyywalker is sent in to the rescue, a new unwanted (and quite annoying) padawan (Ahsoka Tano) in tow. Hilarity and adventure ensues..... I wish.

The story is trite and predictable. The voice acting is generally atrocious, Ashley Eckstein (Ahsoka Tano) being the worst of the bunch. Matt Lanter (Skyywalker) doesn't fare much better. Christopher Lee and Samuel L. Jackson both reprise their roles, but much like Yoda and Obi-Wan, their presence is mostly filler and in for the backseat role. This is mostly the Anakin and Ahsoka show and boy it sure sucks. The jokes are juvenile at best as well as the character motivations and plot. Lucas spares no movie from his creative racism, this time, by including an English speaking Zero the Hutt, who sounds a lot like Truman Capote. The animation, the savior of most bad CG movies, was rather distracting and flat at times (i.e. R2D2 running over the patterned floor in the monastery).And why are the clone warriors called Cody, Rex and Odd-Ball? Sounds a bit like the cast of High School Musical. Even the battle sequences, I felt as if I were watching a capture the flag session of Star Wars : Battlefront, complete with first person perspective. But I wasn't playing.... for an hour and a half.

This is very obviously meant for an audience of pre-teens and should never had been released on the big screen. It is, at best, a straight to DVD release. I feel it should have been more appropriate as a 3 part event on Cartoon Network or as a downloadable in the iTunes store and no more. George is no longer a film maker (to me at least). He is a hack and anything he touches turns to dust. He has reverse Midas syndrome. He should only be allowed to touch Disney movies or remakes of Disney movies.

Star Wars is officially dead and irrelevant to me now. I will still hold on to episode 4-6 and some of the comic books, but anything new will be ignored, as it will likely have George's mark on it. This new Star Wars is marketed towards a certain group of people, such as the young man who sat in front of me during the movie. He was explaining to his friend how Revenge of the Sith ended on a high note.

Review of "Undersea Kingdom (1936)"

Undersea Kingdom (1936)

Next week : Arena of Death. Follow Me!

I have only seen episode two which was included as the short on the MST3000 episode where they watched the Indestructible Man. The likely reason it was included was the presence of Lon Chaney Jr in both. Lon's the key. Anyway.

I think that is the most memorable aspect of this episodic serial from the 1930's, as the rest appears to be rather common and what one would expect out of a serial of the period (cheap sets, cheap costumes and props, atrocious acting and simple plot lines). If you have seen the Flash Gordon or Batman serials of the same period, then you know what to expect. These serials have not aged well and can be especially (and usually unintentionally) comedic.

Atlantis. Unga Khan (think Ming). Ray Corrigan as Crash Corrigan. Thats an easy one to remember. You're playing yourself, dummy. Horses. Fighting. Robots. "Lasers". What's more to tell? It's not as exciting as it sounds. Outside of a 5 year old, the only entertainment value that can be derived from this as an adult is as some sort of stress relief comedy. Accompany the viewing with others and include at least 3 shots of Gentleman Jack.

Review of "AVPR: Aliens vs Predator - Requiem (2007)"

AVPR: Aliens vs Predator - Requiem (2007)

This isn't for our world. 5224-160, I got your nose.

An idea is sometimes better in theory than in execution and two heads are not always better than one. The Aliens vs Predator series has so far proved my previous statement to be an accurate one. The Aliens and Predator franchises, individually, have proved very popular and enjoy a large enough fan base. Their combination has so far only worked in print. Please see my review of AvP for reference. The Alien-Predator hybrid wants to propagate and enjoys the company of pregnant women. The humans are stuck in the middle because this takes place on Earth.

This being the second movie and continuation of Aliens Versus Predator, the story begins with the end of the previous movie. This would be the eruption of a Predator-Alien hybrid (fully grown it resembles a large Alien creature, with a larger head, Predator mouth and Alien dreadlocks - its a composite of both species, duh) out of the dead body of a Predator. For some unknown reason the ship with this new creature is then jettisoned back to Earth after it kills the entire Predator crew. A message is then relayed to an unknown Predator (I would like to refer to this Predator as Sherlock from now on since he seems to be part investigator along with being a tracker and a warrior) on the Predator home world(?). This is all speculation, of course, as none of the Predator's actions, motivations or purpose is ever revealed to us.

I cannot wait for the day when someone will actually make an AvP movie without the humans, as they are the weakest link and generally used as filler. Considering this movie doesn't have human in the title, we spend a lot of time focusing on them. If you want to make a mindless action movie, why go 1/2 way? Go for the gold and nix the humans out of the story. Was there a need to include a budding romance arc in this film? No. Was there a need to vignette the lives of some of the people in this Colorado town? No. This isn't Magnolia, Babel or Crash. There is no need for all this background especially when the people are so cardboard and easily prone to sudden and untimely deaths at the hands of various alien creatures.

The Brothers Strause, as they are referred to in the credits, attempt to create a dog-eat-dog environment with the humans, aliens and predator each as a separate and self interested group with its own agenda. Though the brothers have worked on many visual projects on many movies this is their first theatrical endeavor and it shows. Though visually stunning at times, the pacing is extremely and unnecessarily uneven. The Brothers start out by including more of the Predator behavior and world. I like this aspect (the only aspect I like). We are just given images of "alien" things and we are forced to extrapolate purpose and reasoning. It then turns into a human survival movie. It no longer matters why the Predator pours neon-blue sulfuric Gatorade over some of the corpses, as the now humans are the focal point.

The worst part of the movie is that these two visually experienced "directors" have no clue what an action movie is suppose to have. A good action movie does not need a story line of any quality. A good action movie, much like its' heroes/heroines, includes a single-minded purpose. This is sorely lacking in Requiem as the true action doesn't start until well into the 2nd hour (last 20-25 minutes). The rest of the movie is a slow build up around the lives of boring and stereotypical people of a no name Colorado town. I couldn't find myself caring about any of the "characters" portrayed in this movie. There are no stand-out performances for a movie that should have gone straight to video.

Ultimately we are left with aliens that showed up seemingly as an act of god, amass huge collateral damage and are ultimately nuked by us humans, along with the entire town, with the scope of attacking some alien home world (in the future? or possible AvP 3) that the Illuminati and our world government leaders have already known of. The End. And here I thought the end of Sweeney Todd was sudden. What is even more disheartening is the realization that Requiem is worse than AvP (something I thought impossible).

To quote the homage to the first Predator movie "cleverly" and randomly inserted into Requiem, "Get to the chopper". If you or someone you know is thinking about watching this movie (where sober or not), just remember those 4 simple (and often quoted) words and just skip it. However, if you really, really, really, really feel like you need to be ready for AvP3, then just watch the last 25 minutes of the movie. You really don't need to watch anymore than that, if any at all.

Review of "Johnny at the Fair (1947)"

Johnny at the Fair (1947)

Boring.... Let this be a warning to you.

This is a short that generally precedes the MST3k "Rebel Set" main feature. It revolves around a young boy, Johnny, who gets separated from his parents at the Canadian National Exhibition held at Exhibition Place in Toronto, Canada back in 1947.

This separation, while mildly traumatic for the parents, was exhilarating and exciting for Johnny. In his "walk-about", he encounters all kinds of wonderful things and celebrities : Joe Louis (heavyweight boxing champion) , chemical balls, circus performers, speed boat racing, a "hela-copter airplane", McKenzie King (prime minister of Canada at the time), Barbra Ann Scott (Canadian ice skating champion), some Vaudevillians and children's jail.

40's newsreel masquerading as a heart warming story or "real"? You decide, but don't skip to the main course if you're in the MST3k stew. Savor the flavor of a comical stew shared with the robots and Joel. A nice bourbon or single malt whiskey couldn't hurt while you're at it.

Review of "Halloween (2007)"

Halloween (2007)

Can Zombie do more than redneck chic?

John Carpenter's 1978 classic is one of the first two movies I can remember seeing and being heavily influenced by (the other being the classic Conan the Barbarian). To prepare for this re-interpretation I decided to watch the original, for a competent comparison. Too bad there is very little to compare. After seeing Rob Zombie's previous films (which were heavily stylized and derivative, but enjoyably distracting), I could see sparks of potential. This movie makes me question those sparks of creativity. An aftertaste of redneck dis-functionality and a mild burning & itching sensation is all that remains.

The first half of this movie is an origin story. The origin of Michael Meyers prior to and after the killing of his sister. Zombie attempts to fill in the gaps of the original; Michael's turning into the killer and the years in the institute before he escapes and how he escapes. Where John Carpenter used Michael Meyers as a metaphor of the dysfunction that can occur in middle class America and the suburbs (places that are considered safe), Zombie almost justifies the creation of Michael Meyers as probable and even sympathetic. His first kill isn't a sudden urge to kill his sister on Halloween night, but rather a progressive transition from animals, to classmates, to his sister and then his father. It is this first 20 minutes that although not in the spirit of Carpenter's "Shape" is actually quite graphic and made me quite uneasy(not since I saw Jesus Camp). This 20 minutes is the only good segment of the movie.

Zombie's Meyers isn't a faceless, person-less killing "Shape", but rather is an abused prototypical serial killer. His parents and sibling are "suburb rednecks" who do nothing but pick on him (obnoxious and despicable members of his family, unemployed, working as a stripper and whoring). Is this really what a typical American middle class, suburban family looks like to Zombie or is he deriving from his own experiences? He doesn't kill for no reason, he very clearly snaps. By showing us his face in the early minutes of the movie, Zombie shows us that there is a human being behind the mask. A goofy looking child. In and of itself this is not necessarily bad. When taken in the context of the second half of the movie is where the problem develops. If Zombie continued on his initial re-imaging, this would have been a graphic and watch-ably average movie. It wouldn't be great but infinitely better than this reject.

Unfortunately, Zombie feels the need to re-shoot (almost scene for scene) the 2nd half of the movie exactly as Carpenter's "Shape". It just doesn't work. Meyers cannot be a "Shape" when you spent the first half of the moving turning him into a textbook serial killer. You spend the first half of the movie almost sympathizing with Meyers. The second half just ruins everything. It's almost as if Zombie didn't know what to do or how to finish what he had started, so he just defers to Carpenter. The second half just becomes a series of forgettable massacres. Where the original had little gore and worked the inclusion of a bloodbath desensitizes any thrill. Thankfully I cannot remember any of it.

This movie is a series of contrasts. I did like all the masks Michael creates to hide behind, almost as a different mask for every emotion he is burying. At the same time his killer mask is a worn, gray and cracked mask. It just looks dirty. It doesn't emote as well as a bleached white and faceless Shatner mask (original). I also felt the inclusion of the other-sister angle (brought up in the lesser sequel Halloween 2, which never really worked for me nor was directed by Carpenter) seemed even more rushed and random in this movie. His mother (Zombie's wife Sheri Moon) further cements just how bad of a mother she is and how mediocre an actress Sheri is. The bard of Carpenter's original, Dr. Loomis, is played by a hippie Malcolm McDowell (very reminiscent of his over-the-top Caligula performance, very hammy). Adult Michael is also no longer average but a brutishly gargantuan (played by X-Men's Sabertooth, Tyler Mane). He's become a caricature and not the kid-next-door turned faceless monster for no reason. Also not helping the movie is when you are sympathetic to the psychopath because the protagonists are so annoying.

The movie should just start with a montage of people's faces, of various shapes, colors and sex, whom all say "I am Michael Meyers". Zombie shows us how the right circumstances of genes and environment can turn one into a serial killer. Hard to be terrified by the explainable. The Unrated DVD does nothing more than add gore to an already dysfunctional and bad movie. If you must watch this, just watch the first half. A better solution is just to go back to the original.

Review of "¡Mátalo! (1970)"

¡Mátalo! (1970)

I am so bored of being parched in the desert and not caring.

Six years after Sergio Leone's A Fist Full of Dollars created the term "spaghetti western" and the passing of the San Fransisco acid wave of the 60's, someone thought it would be a good idea to combine the two. It would be a showcase for the international talents of Bolivian born actor Lou Castel, Argentinian actor Luis Davila (a.k.a - Luis Devil), Zaire born actress Claudia Gravy, the Italian Corrado Pani and directed by Cesare Canevari. For those familiar with the sultry naiveté of Emmanuelle, Canevari was the director of the first. If you haven't guessed so far, this is all a recipe for disaster.

Speaking with "J" (a friend and I don't mean the John Malkovich currently residing inside of Will Smith) about my reviews, he suggested I should make them my own somehow. I thought I had already done that, but it got me to thinking. I'm not sure if anyone has used this concept before, but here goes. I could rate movies based on a "shot scale". That would be the amount of shots required to enjoy or completely forget about the movie in question. It would only be in use for what I consider to be bad movies (also includes the "good-bad"). So for example, Matalo would require me to down 7 shots of Jagermeister, SoCo (minus lime) or Gentleman Jim D (or a combination of all 3 that would total 7 shots still). So the higher the "shot count", the worse the movie (inverse order to the normal scale). Now back to Matalo.

The whole plot of the movie revolves loosely around the heist of a United States official luggage from a stagecoach in the middle of the desert. We don't get to this point until about 1/2 way through the movie, however. The main character loves the smell of gunpowder, money and women. From the predictable "gore" introduction, I was getting an uneasy feeling in my gut and it wasn't because of the two shots I had quickly guzzled. The "gore" is quite light (even by 1970 standards) and seems almost melodramatically over-theatrical. For an action western, the action is as lively as the ghost town backdrop ; squeaky, rundown, dusty, but with lots of water. I have never seen the desert and water concept/metaphor driven this much into the ground, yet with as little emotion (or sweat) as possible. The director was obviously very influenced by Chappaqua and other "psychedelic" films, as he over uses their effects ad nauseam (literally sometimes). I mean how many times can we show spinning, Outer Limit's tilted framings, and close-ups of thespians with goofy expressions? This is a poor, drunk, blind and deaf man's version of El Topo. It's an Italian import, but definitely not a Ferrari.

90 minutes of that, mixed in with bare-bones dialog and acting (the dialog and acting in this movie share a border with pantomime) is too long I think. The plot could help, right? Not really. Characters coming out of the desert can't help this one, either. The acid rock soundtrack is actually not too bad, however, it is metaphorically alone in the desert with no water. I felt like I was watching Sergio Leone's evil hack clone remaking Tell Your Children (Reefer Madness) for posterity. It's really a smelly, decaying carcass that one million boomerangs cannot save, but it is still in the desert. If you're going to go there, bring the essentials (drugs/alcohol and a gun to shoot yourself afterwards). If you heed my advice, seek Django.

Review of " 3 Dev Adam ( 1973)"

3 Dev Adam (1973)

a.k.a. Captain America and Santo vs. Spider-Man

Deep within Turkey..... a woman's purse, Captain America, flag on the moon.

One of the most auspicious movie starts in history, yet a walk in the part for movies coming out of Turkey. I thought I had seen everything Turkey had to offer. From Turkish Star Trek and Star Wars to Turkish Superman to Turkish Young Frankenstein. I was not prepared for a mostly green Spiderman, with a red hood and giant, untrimmed eyebrows.

This isn't your Marvel Spiderman though. Turkish Spiderman is leader of a gang. His whole racket involves smuggling artifacts from Turkey to the US, selling them cheaply to dealers and then buying them back with fake money. The opening scene is of Spidey and his gang building a hole in the sand, dropping some woman in a night gown into it and then pushing a boat (along with its turned on power motor) into her face. The Spider (as he is called in Turkey) has no powers whatsoever. He knows movie martial arts, is quite the escape artist and tends to sneak up on people. His primary weapons include a 2 inch knife, a shower head, shish-kabobing people and a complicated torture device involving hamsters. Welcome to Turkey !!

Aytekin Akkaya is Turkish Steve Rogers, a.k.a. Captain America (minus a shield which would have cost extra). You may remember him from Turkish Star Wars. Sadly I cannot forget seeing his shirtless performance as he bounced around on the screen. His partners include a luchidore who stores everything in the crotch of his tights and a female secretarial assistant (who does most of the undercover work). Their mission is to stop the Green menace (thank you Jonas).

This is truly an exercise in Turkish 70's film making. Turkish movies often remind me of the old movie serials (Flash Gordon, Batman and Robin,etc). They seem to be made on the cheap, poorly edited, poorly acted and done very quickly, often with little regard for intellectual property (the music seems to be from a James Bond movie). It is as if this is Turkey's attempt at mimicking the exploitation movies coming out of the US and/or the martial arts movies coming out of Asia. Exploitation is definitely what this movie is going for. It has all the elements for grind-house: a striptease (with pasties), graphic violence, shower scenes in underwear, crappy disco music, sex and alcohol. Well what did you expect, Turkey is a much different place? What was tame for us was probably raunchy for them. Context people, context.

As with all the 70's Turkish movies I have seen, I cannot take them seriously. I find them quite amusing along with the lingering misogynistic undertones (seems like more women died in this movie than men). There also seems to be a lot of time spent in showing running, driving and chasing. If you have never seen a Turkish movie, try to get one with the appropriate subtitles. Understanding the dialog will only help you slightly, as the plots and edits are "complicated" (not to mention the cultural differences). I have seen Turkish movies without the subtitles and I can tell you it gets pretty confusing (Turkish Star Wars, I'm looking at you).

These movies would have been prime candidates for MST3k. If only that were still possible. Maybe in an alternate universe. Until then, make mine a double whiskey. It's for the pain.

Review of "Take the Lead (2006)"

Take the Lead (2006)

Formulaic Rehash with Ballroom Dancing

Formula for the teacher meets misunderstood/troubled students, where the result is positive for everyone.

Take a teacher (male/female). Place said teacher in an inner city or remedial class room. Add conflict, usually due to social class difference or the fact that said kids have never gotten proper encouragement or positive attention from adult figures. Teacher then breaks down said barriers with some "forward" thinking alternative teaching methodology. The kids learn. There is usually a fall-back to previous behavior (usually caused by external school situations), followed by redemption. And this is usually based on true life events, for added drama.

Now is the easy part. As we learned in algebra, we just place in the actual data to replace the variables. The teacher is Zorro himself, Antonio Banderas. There are the kids (too numerous and somewhat annoying to mention). And there's the forward thinking teaching method which would be ballroom dancing. There are numerous other movies that follow a similar path - Sydney Poitier in To Sir, With Love; Michelle Pfeiffer in Dangerous Minds; Edward James Olmos in Stand and Deliver; The Rock in Gridiron Gang; Rhea Perlman in Sunset Park; and even Samuel L. Jackson in Coach Carter. The later entries on that list follow the same formula, except it substitutes sports for class and coach for teacher.

There is nothing overly original about this movie. Even though this movie is based on actual events and Pierre Dulaine (which is inspirational in itself and commendable), does not mean I necessarily want to see the same thing rehashed with different names, places and dates.

The music is decent and the dancing is average. I guess one really has to be into ballroom dancing to get a fuller appreciation. There is also nothing I like better than to be grilled by Zorro in a condescending fashion. On a side note Dante Basco really needs to invest time into getting his acting skills up to par and getting a new agent. He is almost pushing 32 and playing angst-ridden teenagers might be a bit of stretch right now. The problem I have with most of these types of movies is that the ending is gratuitous. The ending is usually somewhat if not completely happy in which something is achieved, but the full realization of turning one's life around and making something of oneself is never fully shown. For example, how does LaRhette resolve her mom's prostitution and how does Rock resolve his conflict with his alcoholic dad and not to mention with the local thug he just angered ?

The only true worth of the movie would have to be Zorro's tango with actress/dancer Katya Virshilas. That was kind of hot, but I think that was mostly due to her intrinsic abilities. I would have given this movie a higher rating if it actually induced sleep, because at the time I couldn't. Instead skip this one and just watch the trailer. It includes the best scene of the movie.

Review of "Sheitan" (2006)

Sheitan (2006)


I'd rather get my eyebrows waxed than having to re-watch this movie.

I continue my adventures in French inspired movies, by seeing this French Movie. You can't get more French-inspired than in France. I definitely feel like this movie put me through a roller-coaster and while I was leaving the park, it came out of nowhere and kicked me in the balls. The first twenty minutes or so I thought I was in a French remake of Stereo Future, minus the oxygen high.

So there's these 3 guys, like the three musketeers. One is Moroccan, one is Vietnamese and the weaselly one must have been the Frenchman. They meet these 3 girls at the club. They get together and this one girl, the tempting-if-you-like-that-kind-of-thing Roxane Mesquida, suggests they drive for hours and hours, into the middle of nowhere to her house. And can you believe this was all caused by one guy's insatiable sex drive?? OK, so the other 2 guys weren't exactly paddling in the opposite direction. At this point I was still intrigued, yet having a creeping suspicion that this was either going to go the way of Miike's Audition or the way of the Descent. It's funny, because it does neither. It goes completely in the opposite direction and then kicks you, again. While you are walking away in pain, it comes back and kicks you once more.

The departure signals the end of the beginning and the revealing of the true nature of the movie. It really wants to be a French version of the Wicker Man in the context of the original Texas Chainsaw Massacre. And this is where you start to wonder about Occam's Razor and the possibility that this movie could recovery from a totally, out-of-control spiral towards Terra firma.

It doesn't. The movie had me when I thought it was a light affair and still had me when they were toying more with the love and less with killing. When the movie went towards crazy hillbillies, I was having flashbacks of the appropriate episode of the X Files, Jeffrey Dahmer and a H.P. Lovecraft story I once read (about a guy living in one of those isolated New England farmhouses - think of the introduction to Tales of the Darkside the series). By the end you are cursing the movie for making you watch, because there was a glimmer of hope and it managed to rope you in until the end.

Much like the character Thai, this movie blocks you on multiple fronts. The worst of it all is I don't think there was one death. They must have been saving money from the special effects and extras, to pay for the catered food. There were some assaults and body parts removed, but nothing you couldn't live without. I was further reminded of the similar results in Wolf Creek. At least that had carnage. Both movies were lengthy and took too long to develop. This movie was almost over before something happened. The extra night before X-Mas element should have opened the door for the original Black Christmas and Tales from the Crypt Santa episode. It was wasted as well. And again just like Thai, this movie will leave you unsatisfied and lying in a pool of your own blood. Do yourself and your loved ones a favor and skip this one.

Review of "The Wicker Man" (2006)

The Wicker Man" (2006)


Worthy of most things Shatnerian - "Why is .. it .. BURNED ??.... Why ...isitburned???

It is unfortunate that I review this movie after just seeing Crank. I still think I am seeing spots and I am definitely coming down. Solipsist and Oscar winning master thespian, Nicholas Cage, stars in either a farcical story of cross-cultural misunderstanding or in a unintended B-movie-like-comedy, complete with over-the-top, Shatner-like acting. I think it is the latter, but I leave it up to history and the experts to decide.

So the Cage, as I like to call him, is doing his best impersonation of Erik Estrada in Chips. He gets a note from his fiancée, which states that her daughter is missing and if he could help. Mind you, this is the woman who disappeared from his life, years before. She lives on an isolated island in the Northwest part of the country. An island that is mostly populated by a female Amish/Quaker-like commune. The rest is relatively meaningless. If you want meaning, you might as well check out the original movie. This movie is just there for the laughs.

The Cage is not a very good actor. As one of my comrades one said of him - "He's the same in every movie." He is an actor playing himself and not doing it very well. The Cage has been in some good movies, however, those were built around his "particular idiom" (Lord of War is a great example of this). On the other end, when you try to get him to act or make him feel emotion, you get this Botox coma or perhaps City of Angels. His performance in this movie can simple described as mind-numbingly-nuked. He is part angry octogenarian, part whiny, part drunk, all high-school production quality with 1/2 a bottle of pain killers. I mean the scenes in the bear suit are priceless, not to mention all the cheap shots he dishes out. Unfortunately, the hilarity mostly ensues well past the 60 minute mark. Prior to this, feel free to snicker and laugh at the lame, lame dialog. I can definitely say skip the theatrical version (go straight for the unrated version) of this movie, as you will be getting a slow motion montage-like procession scene with sound overlay instead of the actual scene. I actually was scratching my head, wondering, the first time I saw/heard it. Oh well. Highly recommended for a laugh. If you want to skip the movie all together, check out Youtube for a compilation of the best and funniest scenes in the movie. I think it's a fair trade - 3 minutes in the Cage or 90. ........................

Wise choice.

Review of "Kronos" (1957)

Kronos (1957)


Who would think a planet destroyer would be this boring ....

I once heard this movie described as either you'll love it or you'll hate it. From reading some of the other reviews and the ratings, I would venture to say that this is true. I am placing myself in the hate it crowd. I have seen some truly bad movies, boring movies, and even low budget movies. This movie is bad on all three fronts.

This Island Earth's Exeter (Jeff Morrow), returns to his sci-fi/b-movie roots as Dr. Les (minus giant head prosthetic). The doctor and his assistant Arnie (George O'Hanlon - aka the voice of George Jetson), along with Les' girlfriend assistant Vera, are tracking a meteor. This is the crux of the cast and is almost a double date. Les has Vera and Arnie has his "Susie" (Synchro Unifying Sinometric Integrating Equitensor - aka the computer). Lets just say the relationship between George and his robotic maid, Rosie, (and his relationship with "Susie") is more believable than the cold, clam-like feelings Vera has for Les (and vice versa). The object of their all their interest is no ordinary meteor, however. It is really an alien art nouveau/art deco energy storage device, which moves around like a 3 legged dog. There is also the little alien "energy" being that controls Dr. Hubbel (aka, the chief scientist there). The alien is obviously and from the get-go, malicious and evil. Is this the kind of science we are handing out? No wonder the aliens from the Explorers were afraid of us. From watching some of these movies, we shoot first. There's no need for questions afterwards.

The whole movie is synonymous with watching some really boring science experiments, like boiling an egg or adding food color to celery. Its not the fact that this is a low budget sci-fi movie or thats its a bit cheesy and outdated. It is really, really, really boring. The whole movie is about trying to figure out what is going on. That is it. Most of the things we learn about what's going on are through monologues and self dictation. Now add crappy dialog, cardboard acting and cheap-sets and you have the makings of an Ed Wood clone (by the way, Ed has made some really boring movies as well - please avoid the Orgy of the Dead). The dialog ... oh, the dialog. Jems such as :

"..from under 2 miles of ocean ?

Why not ?! It came through a billion miles in space."

or

"Do you think you'll be able to respect a husband who's probably pulled the scientific boner of all time ?"

This movie is obviously trying to pull a Forbidden Planet, This Island Earth, Magnetic Monster or in the same light as the Outer Limits, Twilight Zone. Namely, a low budget sci-fi movie (or TV episode) that is compelling enough to get past the technical difficulties and strange situations. At the core, these movies are enjoyable on some level (the story, the underlying meaning or the sheer comical nature of the dialog or situations). This movie has none of that. It is just 90 minutes of boredom. I couldn't even enjoy this on a Ed Wood level. I definitely recommend skipping this one and seeing one of the movies I mentioned above instead. It is so bad, that if my name was Dr. Forrester, I would never think of showing this movie to anyone ... except Frank maybe.