Review of "Catching Trouble" (1936)

Catching Trouble (1936)

My boyfriend sure knows his stuff; torturing nature.

Previous title "Catching Trouble from PETA"

First of all, this movie was made back in 1936 and it's a bit like talking to your grandpa. You understand it's his way & not malicious, but it's still a bit outdated and un-PC. Based on the movie on it's own, I would give it a 1. The extra vote was for the MST3k version, which improves upon the pain. Definitely do not watch alone & remember to adopt an orphan afterward.

Ross' faithful Seminole, also goes by Eh Wat. What a sad life he must have lived.

Our protagonist, Ross Allen, is described as a modern day Tarzan. His job is catching live animals for the zoo from the Florida Everglades. With the assistance of his faithful Seminole guide, who's name is either "Eh Wat" or nothing at all, he fulfills an order asking for the following: 1 live bobcat, 2 cub black bears, 3 six-foot diamondback rattlers & a partridge in a pear tree (I made that last part up).

I didn't even mention the shorts, yet.

Ross has a variety of techniques for capturing these living animals. Techniques such as: chopping down the tree the animal is in (you could also have your man servant attempt this), chasing animals to & from trees, smashing animals into the ground, pulling animals out of the trees or water-boarding a bear. In all honesty, by the end, I was hoping one of those snakes would get a nice bite of Ross. Time eventually did.

Almost!! So close...

Here is the entire assault on tape:

If you want to know more about our hero, Ross, check here and here.

The set of screen shots can be found here.

Review of "Posture Pals" (1952)

Review of Posture Pals (1952)

Ms. Martin's Silhouette Night

Pasture Pals??

Another instructional movie, typical of the 1950s. This one is about posture. The only claim to fame of Posture Pals is that MST3k used it for one of their sketches and it is probably the first film appearance of a pre-Laura Engels, Melissa Gilbert look-a-like. Crazy, right?

The future kings and queens of the grill.

As is typical with instructional films like this, it leaves a lot of room for unintended comedic consequences. The only good thing I can say about PP is the shortness, 10 minutes. It also marks the beginning of the change in educational policy from winner to winners concept and eventually leading to "last winner". I bet Mary, Tommy, Jimmy & Jane (respective Posture Queen, King, Prince & Princess) could burn all existing copies of this. I don't blame the kids. I blame Ms. Martin, the mime. Never trust a mime.

I crown myself, Queen of the Burgers and master of all I survey.

Plot points to remember:

1) Good health = good posture.

2) Good posture keeps you from being tired.

3) Develop the habit of good posture.

4) The way you look can depend upon your posture. Standing tall makes you look cheerful & happy.

See the full feature here:

The set of screen shots here.

Review of "Quantum of Solace" (2008)

Quantum of Solace (2008)


QoS = the prescription of visual torture, to induce violent retching in its viewing audience

Getting killed by the titles isn't such a bad way to go in comparison to watching the rest.

Casino Royale hinted at the resurgence of the Bond character, through emotional plot points & character development, diminishing the use of gimmicks, gadgets & high jinks and the use of more realism in action sequences (a.k.a. the Bourne effect). I thoroughly enjoyed Casino Royale. If the ridiculous title of this movie hasn't already given away its caliber, I will. It STINKS. Worst Bond movie ever! This movie makes me long for the Roger Moore days, when at least you could laugh at the ridiculousness. I would rather watch the non-Broccoli & aged Bond of Never Say Never Again than QoS. QoS is thin in every conceivable category except boredom, where there is plenty to go around.

The movie picks up about 3 minutes after the end of Casino Royale and puts us right in the middle of a Bond getaway through the serpentine roads of the Italian countryside. The usual stuff occurs; cars crash into one another, cars get shot, cars fall off cliffs, etc. We are then presented with a major plot point: there is a secret organization that's controlling everything and has infiltrated even MI6 and CIA.

Is this part of the plot?

We don't really explore that dangerous avenue much, as the movie is more interested in Bond's revenge goals (who is responsible for Vespa's death), Camille's revenge goals (paying back her father's killer), Greene's plot to create a drought in Bolivia for a nefarious scheme (why Bolivia??) and the CIA/MI6 double dealings with sketchy individuals/groups. Eggs are broken, omelets are made.

Although this movie is suppose to be Bond's closure in regards to Vespa, it doesn't actually answer much in the way of that back story and can be easily skipped. We need a whole movie to tell us that Vespa was duped by her N. African lover? It was kind of obvious from Casino Royale. There is little plot that actually makes sense as things become tediously confusing. A plot tool I like to call "double-dealing the double-deal" scenario.

Who needs plot when you have action, right? That is usually the case unless every scene reminds you of another movie (Bourne trilogy) or when you introduce ridiculous situations: i.e. a dogfight between a WW2 cargo & fighter plane or perhaps getting knocked out by a dingy. Bond doesn't use any gadgets, except for a phone and at one point he even takes a ride in a smart car. The only cool car Bond drives is a wreck from the opening scene. Bond's nemesis, Greene, is a petty middle-man for the secret organization (yet to be named), who's primary role in this movie is as that organization's herald. There is nothing remotely interesting or uncanny about him. He is not even clever/smart, but is just sleazy (an atypical role for a Bond nemesis).

Sony's new spokesman : "Buy BluRay or take a closer look at the business end of my implement"

Without the "Bond" moniker this is nothing more than an average revenge-based action movie. The stink of the writer's strike is all over this movie as it feels rushed from the plot, to the action & even the CG effects (CG parachute jump is atrocious). I bet the writers thought their Goldfinger homage with the "black gold" covering the Bond girl instead of real gold was clever. It all seems borrowed and severely unoriginal. A true waste of 100 minutes for those that can sleep, but a miracle cure for the insomniacs of the world. If you need your fix of Daniel Craig, then go back to Casino Royale (Layer Cake is even better) or stay tuned for next movie : "The Arc-Second of Truth".

The rest of the screen shots are here.

Review of "X Marks the Spot" (1944)

X Marks the Spot (1944)


Worst Instructional Movie in New Jersey.

The most reviled titles in film history??

The State of New Jersey probably has the worst reputation of any state in the Union, especially when it comes to driving & driving conditions within its borders. This WWII driving education short would like to remedy that by showing the results of not following traffic rules/laws, however it leads to comic situations. Do NOT watch un-MST3k.

Alternative movie titles : "The Commish" , "Ghost Court" or "The Garden State"

After a brief and soporific monologue by Arthur W. Magee, the "Commissioner", we are presented with a hypothetical situation that would be a common sight to any NJ resident : namely a bad driver. We follow that typical NJ driver, Joe Doakes, in a typical driving day (where accidents seem to be possible at every intersection). Shortly after we meet Joe & live through some of his driving escapades with him, he dies in a traffic accident. (add canned shocked response here)

Instead of dying and meeting St. Peter at the pearly gates, Joe ends up in ghost traffic court with his driving-guardian-ghost defending him. Instead of St. Peter we have a judge. The rest of the film is just a series of flashbacks to all of Joe's driving indiscretions, near accidents, accidents and eventual death, as his guardian ghost recounts all.

They tell time differently in New Jersey.

The trial unfortunately goes nowhere. The judge doesn't make an actual ruling but either leaves that to a ghost jury (not shown) or to the viewing audience (also not shown). In the end, I'm not even sure what was at stake in the hearing, Joe's soul or Joe's ghostly driver's license. After 20 minutes, I felt much like Joe did. I pleaded with the LCD & god himself to make it stop : "Please let me go back. Just this once. Besides, I got almost a full book of 8 coupons left."

Nothing but silence.

Then Greg laughed.

Enjoy the MST3k version of the film here :

The rest of the screen shots are here.

Review of "Pineapple Express" (2008)

Pineapple Express (2008)

Disappointed. Tropic Thunder is the real deal.

I have to come out and set the record straight: I am not a fan of Judd Apatow or his minions (especially Seth Rogen & Danny McBride). I never saw more than one episode of Freaks & Geeks and didn't break a smile when I saw the 40 Year Old Virgin. I thought Knocked Up was an evolutionary step for the geek character (maturation), but at the end, instead it falls into a mixed-up, end-justifies-the-means philosophy that contradicts the true nature of the geek. Looking at a list of Apatow's writing/directing/producing credits, only the Cable Guy & Walk Hard, would I consider funny or better than average. He has created this chic-geek template which he just transplants to a new scenario. This wouldn't be so bad if he didn't use a group of similar guys in very similar roles, playing themselves in each one of those. PE is not directed by Judd, but he does have writing and producing credits. As Tim Burton keeps acting out father issues and Woody Allen struggles with his sexual inadequacies on screen; Judd Apatow has geek issues/trauma.

Bringing a boat to the gun show.

This is the geek-chic scenario in a stoner movie with action scenes. Rogen is a late 20/early 30-something, subpoena delivery, court-clerk stoner, who's dating a high school senior. James Franco is his dealer (a good hearted stoner as well), who has a strain of "pineapple express" cannabis. Rogen witnesses a murder, but leaves behind the roach. That roach connects Rogen to the pineapple express which connects him to Franco. The result is a stoner, buddy movie (typical of the genre Cheech & Chong created) with over-the-top, bloodless action.

I have seen a variety of stoner movies, either made with or for stoners. The stoner part is almost identical throughout the movies: hallucinations, uncontrolled laughing, red eyes, cotton mouth, random ramblings, poor logic process & decision-making ability, crazy/random/awkward situations, etc. That part requires an uncanny chemistry between the "stoners" to be memorable. Though this movie tries to create an emotional connection between the two main protagonist stoners, it ultimately fails because the goal of the movie is the action. The humor is simple (as in you don't have to think about it and is more similar to a pie to the face or a fart joke, than the life of Oliver Cromwell in song) and implies a certain state-of-mind to appreciate it. A good comedy is funny in a variety of states and I am starting to find that implied required state to be insulting to the target demographic. It is stereotypical and unrealistic of most.

Ah. Purging fire. If only it were real.

While this movie tries to stand out by adding an extra layer of violence, the problem with the violence is that it seems hyper-realistic & graphic at first, but turns out to be cartoony and unrealistic. I praise the movie for trying something different with this genre, but in the end it fails because it does not go far enough with the one element that is original. The violence angle negates itself by it's own ridiculousness. CG blood still doesn't look real (see 300, Mongol or Rambo for reference). Think of the violence in a Warner Bros cartoon. Recall Elmer Fudd blowing the face off Daffy Duck. Did you feel like anyone was hurt? Are you outraged by the shooting? Does it make you feel anything other than hysterical laughter? Were there any repercussions? For most people all those are going to be answered by an emphatic 'no'. An example of this black, action comedy genre (that succeeds where this fails) is Tropic Thunder (review coming soon). And yes I know Danny McBride is in it, but his comedic influence is mitigated in TT in contrast to his PE role.

Graphical representation of the effects of this movie.

The movie teeters dangerously down the divide that separates the two main themes & choosing not to go in either direction. As Mr. Miyagi once said this inevitably leads to being smashed like a grape in the middle. If the movie either stayed on the ridiculous, stoner angle or chose instead to make the violence real (think of the difference between most of Boogie Nights & Wonderland), it would have been more of a success. As I mentioned earlier, I am biased when it comes to this. If you are a fan of Apatow or his brood or are new to the stoner genre, then you might get more enjoyment from this than I did. To me this is just a disposable (cliched and unremarkable) stoner-genre buddy movie that is as disposable as the contents of a Japanese vending machine. BTW, I was thinking of used underwear.

The rest of the screen shots are here.

Review of "Fist of Fear, Touch of Death" (1980)

Fist of Fear, Touch of Death (1980)


Lifetime Membership to the Worst-Movie-Ever Club.

It has been quite a while (more than 6 months) since I posted my last review. Do not take this to mean I have given up on movies. I have seen many since then and hopefully will write about them soon, but for now let's handle what is upon us.

Ron van Clief??

Fist of Fear, Touch of Death is a epic movie in the genre that exploited the consumer desire after the death of Bruce Lee. In the vernacular, this is a Bruce-ploitation movie. I have seen a few of these, with most bordering on the ridiculous and having little to do with Bruce Lee (except for the use of his name, image, words, etc). Some are enjoyable on that ridiculous level, but most are unwatchable. FoF,ToD is epic in the scale at which it seemingly exhumes and defecates on Bruce's image. I can safely add this alongside Orgy of the Dead, as the two worst movies I have ever witnessed.

I don't know how to start. This movie is a multi-leveled disaster. On one level it tries to fake investigative journalism surrounding the "theory" of the pressure point death spot, a.k.a. Touch of Death, and whether or not it was the "secret" cause of Bruce's death. This is mostly done through the narration/"interviews" of NY actor Adolph Caesar (who most will remember for his role in Club Paradise).

Hey. You're not Sidney Poitier!!

Other levels include staged martial arts exhibitions by Ron Van Clief, Bill Louie and Aaron Banks, all in tribute (of course). The Hammer, Fred Williamson, shows up as himself for no apparent reason as well. Yes I know he was one of Bruce's students, but that doesn't explain his purpose in this movie. Add another level, by showing two different movies and somehow linking them up. The first movie being an early, early, early black & white Bruce movie that resembles the Chinese version of Leave it to Beaver. That is somehow linked to a color, period-piece martial arts movie that does not star Bruce. The cherry topping to this turd cake are the dubbings, especially Bruce's martial arts fortune cookie-like sayings. It isn't even Bruce Lee's voice, it's much worse.

I AM Jasper Milktoast!!

Others have commented that even though this movie is atrocious, it still maintains a ridiculous humor. Sadly, I searched for any spark of humor, but was met with a dull, boring pain instead. The production value just screams of a VHS copy of someone's home video of their trip to New York being found in a dumpster and edited by one coming out of a weekend of chasing the dragon.

All those who commented that they enjoyed this, did recommend not watching this by oneself. All I can say is that any fun derived from watching this with others, is laughing at your "friends" as they writhe around on the floor in agony. If Mel Gibson made a biography film based on Bruce Lee in a similar manner to the Passion of the Christ, this would be it, because you will feel approximately the same amount of pain that Bruce would have felt in death. Skip it. Don't say I didn't warn you.

Turdenstein approaches:

The rest of the screen shots are here.

Review of "Star Wars:The Clone Wars" (2008)

Star Wars : The Clone Wars (2008)

If you loved Episode 2 : Attack of the Clones, then you'll love this thing.

Episodes 1-3 have made the Star Wars universe rather irrelevant. I blame George Lucas, since it was he that made it this way with the "quality" of the prequels. This was an opportunity to follow up the decent Star Wars : Clone Wars animated series and bring back some of that relevance. George Lucas had different plans. George thought it would be best to take his "opus" film series and literally defecated on it for the sake of making more money than he can spend in his or his children's lifetimes.

There were warning signs to the quality of this before the movie even started. I saw this at the AMC 84th St theater last night at a free preview. Lets just say the "over-sold" event was anything but (more than a dozen empty seats remained). The rest of the seats seemed to be filled with house-less people (as George would call them). I felt as if I was a stadium extra on the set of Major League 5. There was a row reserved for the press, but strangely it remained empty. Phones were confiscated and placed in zip lock bags with raffle tickets. Bags were searched and people were scanned with metal detectors. Funny, I still managed to get in with a camera. I didn't use it and also didn't have any notions of doing so. I am trying hard to forget the 90 minutes of my life that were wasted. Sadly the neuralizer has not been mass produced yet.

The movie starts with a Starship Trooper introductory narrative, disembodied reporter missing. The story takes place somewhere between Attack of the Clones and Revenge of the Sith. The war between the Separatists and the Republic continues. Jabba the Hutt's tadpole-like son is kidnapped and the Republic's traveling rights through the Outer Rim (controlled by the Hutts) is in jeopardy. Skyywalker is sent in to the rescue, a new unwanted (and quite annoying) padawan (Ahsoka Tano) in tow. Hilarity and adventure ensues..... I wish.

The story is trite and predictable. The voice acting is generally atrocious, Ashley Eckstein (Ahsoka Tano) being the worst of the bunch. Matt Lanter (Skyywalker) doesn't fare much better. Christopher Lee and Samuel L. Jackson both reprise their roles, but much like Yoda and Obi-Wan, their presence is mostly filler and in for the backseat role. This is mostly the Anakin and Ahsoka show and boy it sure sucks. The jokes are juvenile at best as well as the character motivations and plot. Lucas spares no movie from his creative racism, this time, by including an English speaking Zero the Hutt, who sounds a lot like Truman Capote. The animation, the savior of most bad CG movies, was rather distracting and flat at times (i.e. R2D2 running over the patterned floor in the monastery).And why are the clone warriors called Cody, Rex and Odd-Ball? Sounds a bit like the cast of High School Musical. Even the battle sequences, I felt as if I were watching a capture the flag session of Star Wars : Battlefront, complete with first person perspective. But I wasn't playing.... for an hour and a half.

This is very obviously meant for an audience of pre-teens and should never had been released on the big screen. It is, at best, a straight to DVD release. I feel it should have been more appropriate as a 3 part event on Cartoon Network or as a downloadable in the iTunes store and no more. George is no longer a film maker (to me at least). He is a hack and anything he touches turns to dust. He has reverse Midas syndrome. He should only be allowed to touch Disney movies or remakes of Disney movies.

Star Wars is officially dead and irrelevant to me now. I will still hold on to episode 4-6 and some of the comic books, but anything new will be ignored, as it will likely have George's mark on it. This new Star Wars is marketed towards a certain group of people, such as the young man who sat in front of me during the movie. He was explaining to his friend how Revenge of the Sith ended on a high note.