Review of "Orgy of the Dead" (1965)

Orgy of the Dead (1965)

ThE WoRST MoVIE OF All TiME !!!

I wonder which one of the Golden Girls this is? Blanche?

I had survived a whole string of bad, pointless movies up to this point. Nothing could have prepared me for the sheer pain of this movie. The pain was carefully administered by Bulgarian born director Stephen Apostolof (who seems to be a veteran of bad sexploitation movies). It was written by none other than our good friend Ed Wood Jr. Anyone who has ever seen an Ed Wood movie can vouch for the dialog in this movie. It is vintage Ed Wood. The script must have been about 10 pages long. If the dialog was ad-libbed as they shot the film, it would have been a thousand times better than what was written. The good thing about Ed Wood is that he usually kept his movies short (45-60 minutes long). Stephen on the other hand is a master torturer (something he must have learned in his native Bulgaria, working in a Communist prison). The plot (what a joke - nonexistent plot) is simple.

The epic meeting between Criswell and Elivra.

The Emperor (played by perennial Ed Wood star Criswell - who also never learned to memorize his lines) is in the cemetery getting his monthly dose of undead topless cabaret, sponsored by a Monika Lewinsky look-a-like ghoul. During all this, our protagonists, Bob & Shirely are driving around (at night in some shots, during the day in others) looking for a cemetery such that Bob can get ideas about the new story he is writing. After a convenient car crash (happens to be right at the cemetery they were looking for), our protagonists get thrown out of the car and wake up on the ground without so much as a stain on them. They happen to find the "orgy" where Criswell and Monika are sitting around. Exciting isn't it? That is the first 10-15 minutes of the movie. From this point forth the pain commences. For the next 70 minutes or so, we are presented with the dance of the dead girls. There are about 10 girls that come out in various costumes (from the golden girl, to Indian girl, to the zombie girl, to cat girl,etc..etc). They come out dressed in their costume, and miraculously as the camera pans to Criswell and Monika and then pans back, they are topless and dancing. Normally, this should be rather interesting, but its not. I think maybe when I was 8 years old I would have found this titillating. There is no reason to any of it. I have seen porn that has better acting and is more interesting to watch than this movie. I would say if the dancing was any good that would be something, but the dancing is mediocre at best. Not only that but the music doesn't match what they are dancing to. At one point I swear the zombie girl is doing the macarena. As the director states in the interview featurette on the DVD, the music they actually danced to was not the music we hear. Someone actually composed the crappy soundtrack we hear. This movie is a disaster.

The second right before the Mummy was to "keep it real" with the Wolf Man. BANG. ZOOM.

After the first hour, I found myself fast forwarding at 2x speed to get to the dialog. Did I mention the Mummy and Wolfman make an appearance in this movie as well ? Did I also mention that the Mummy talks and Wolfman's howl sounds like Shirley screaming ? Well it is all painfully true. The ending is a relief, even though there is a Robot Monster type ending. This is not the end. Everyone should watch the 19 minute interview with the director, to get a better perspective about the man responsible for so much pain. A.C Stephens, as he is also known, talks about everything under the sun (never saw an Ed Wood movie because he heard they were terrible). He tends to laugh at himself (he seems to think quite highly of himself) and calls the topless situation - mammary glands. And then Doomsday arrives when he mentions his idea of making Orgy of the Dead 2, which is going to explain in more detail the characters, and it takes place in the year 2800 or so. GOOD GOD !!! Anyway, this movie should at no point be watched solo. The pain must be shared through at least 2 people, fully loaded on Jack Daniels (at least). This movie could actually be quite instructive as I believe it should be shown in every freshman film school class, to prevent things like this from being made. After all this, go out and see it. Your life may depend on it.

Turdenstein approaches:

The rest of the screen shots are here.

Review of "Choke" (2008)

Choke (2008)


Freak Flag Flying High

I first took notice of actor, Sam Rockwell, back when he was a security officer named "Guy", but I didn't fully realize his potential until George Clooney's directorial debut, Confessions of a Dangerous Mind, put him in the shoes of TV icon, Chuck Barris. His rendition of Zaphod, from the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy (2006), was unforgettable and made an average movie more enjoyable. Now he plays the lead in the movie version of the book (of the same name) by Fight Club author, Chuck Palahniuk.

The Q88 rush hour bus.

Victor Mancini (Rockwell) is a historical re-creationist by day. By night he visits his ailing mother (Angelica Houston) in the home and/or attends sex-addict group support meetings to get sex . You see Victor did not have a normal childhood. His mother came and went, leaving him mostly in foster homes. At the same time, his father's status is quite vague. Because of this, he does not form any meaningful female relationships. He just has sex. Every woman he sees, he envisions having sex with (be it old, ugly or fugly) or having had sex with them. He cannot turn it off. It is one of his coping mechanisms.

It's not what you think. Pervert.

The other is related to the title of the movie (& the book as well); choke. Victor intentionally chokes himself (usually on food and in a public place like a restaurant), with the intent of selecting a "Good Samaritan" to save him. This instills good feelings in the savior, which Victor manipulates to supplement his income.

The movie seems to follow the path of the book, as the narrative revolves around several months of Victor's life as he is trying to deal with the increased deterioration of his mother's condition. This is juxtaposed with flashback's from his childhood. Any comedic qualities derived from the movie is mostly dark in nature, but is still funny. If you frown upon nudity, sexual situations or bad language, then you probably picked the wrong movie. The movie alternates between serious and comedic, but ultimately I think it is meant to be proverbial in scope. Sam Rockwell is the star of this movie. He has the charisma and personality to do great things and can keep something interesting based on only his performance.

Thomas Jefferson's plantation was always fun for everyone.

The message is not a new one. Hunter Thompson wrote about it. We are all freaks in one way or another. Some people fly their "freak flags" while others live in fear of what others will say. Not "flying the flag" or being yourself is the cage/bonds. To truly be "free", we must fly our "freak flags" high, so others can see. Acceptance and reciprocation by another, makes us not freaks but "normal". So fly high, my brothers and sisters.

You can find the rest of the screen shots here.

Review of "The Wasp Woman" (1959)

The Wasp Woman (1959)

Smooth as honey, painful acid.

I think those are bees.

Dr. Zinthrop extracts royal jelly from a queen wasp, which is the key to his development of a rejuvenation formula. On the other side of the world, Janice Starlin is a former model/starlet that has created a cosmetics company based on her image. Her age is now affecting her sales. By Corman chance(I mean random), Zinthrop meets with Starling to develop a human version. Zinthrop decides to test it on Starlin herself. Starlin's patience with science wears thing & she decides to overdose on the test compound, with comic results.

The eventual results of watching this movie: madness.

I wish I could tell you there is more, but sadly Corman packed the movie with as many items from an office-supply company catalog as possible. Makes one wonder who funded the movie. 73 long minutes loaded full of scenes of bureaucracy including office phone calls, business lunches, several board meetings, filing, paying invoices, office small talk, searching through drawers, searching for missing persons, driving around, sneaking around rooms, delivery of things, delegating tasks, riding elevators and going over an itinerary. The scenery more than makes up for this by placing us in remote & exotic locations like a boardroom, an office and a room made to look like a laboratory. In all honesty, there is a scene with Dr. Zinthrop walking around the woods, by himself, or the scene where we are driven around to crazy carnival music. Neither seems to have much relevance to the actual movie, however.

Bruno VeSota, in one of his finest roles, as the expendable night watchman.

In the end, not even the presence of Bruno VeSota (a.k.a. the poor man's Orson Welles) could salvage this monstrosity of boredom. Under no circumstances should you watch this without the accompaniment of friends or in a non-Cinematic Titanic version. 1.5x setting was the perfect speed to keep from going into a coma. Failure to do so will result in severe psychological damage.

All the screen shots available here.

Review of "Doomsday Machine" (1972)

Doomsday Machine (1972)


Two movies for the price of one. Bulk isn't always better, but I don't believe it. I DON'T BELIEVE IT!

Casey Kasem during the "dark times".

This is the second movie from Cinematic Titanic (the first being the Oozing Skull), also released in 1972 and both containing the acting talents of Grant Williams, dubbed by some as "one of the four actors of the apocalypse". After watching them back-to-back, you will realize just how true that moniker is.

The communist Chinese develop the gumball technology of doom, who's detonation force will "rupture the faults of the earth's surface and setup a chain reaction of explosions when the earth's tension is broken." For the lay person, this means that the Earth will be destroyed. The US response is to replace half of the all-male crew of Project Astra, who's goal was a mission to Venus for a 2 year trip, with a female crew. Instead of the planned mission, they become humanity's Adam & Eve/Noah's Ark insurance policy. Will humanity survive?

La-Z-Boy, one of the fine sponsors of this film.

There are two distinct movies here. The first part is a genuine attempt at a low budget science fiction narrative with a message (albeit derived & unoriginal) in the nature of Ikarie XB1. That movie dies suddenly somewhere over Venus. You are probably asking yourself how will you know when that is? Trust me, you'll know. It is when the second movie starts, all with different faceless-actors in a dark room doing stuff. This leads into stills & voice-over narrative. Fin.

In the end all you remember is that a lot of painful, pointless dialog occurred, with female astronauts walking around a rocket in their pink robes. And then it all ends in a whimpering blaze (yes I know this is oxymoronic, but it is how I felt). You are not quite sure if anything ended, except the life span of several of your neurons. ad astra per alia porci.

The unfortunate effects of watching this movie at normal speed : insanity.

As an alternative I have developed levels of fast-forwarding that does not deter from the watching experience (as the voice and sound effects can still be distinguished) but alleviates most of the sources of movie induced hemorrhages; 1.5x speed-up & 2x speed-up. The first option is less severe and almost unnoticeable. It will reduce the film length by a 1/3. The second option should only be used in cases of severe pain and it will alter the movie drastically & reducing the film time by 1/2. During the course of watching the Doomsday Machine, I alternated between 1.5x & 2x frequently. Even with the crew of the Cinematic Titanic helping, it was still too much pain for me to bear (again).

Save me Casey Kasem!!

The remaining screen shots here.

Non-Cinematic Titanic version here.

Review of "A Case of Spring Fever" (1940)

A Case of Spring Fever (1940)

What would life be without spring, George Bailey?

This is a typical short film in the genre of the "what would life be like if we didn't have 'this'?" . This can be anything from an element to a specific technology. We are typically given situations without said thing and then we repeat the same situations with the thing in question, for comparison. This short deals with springs.

The main character is fixing a coach for his wife instead of going golfing with the boys (sadly not a euphemism). He places a dreaded curse upon the spring's existence and an animated character appears. It calls itself Coily the Spring Sprite and it is there to make the man's existence a living, spring-less hell.

Coily, the Spring Sprite right next to the accelerator.

Coily gets the utmost pleasure from making all the springs disappear and making the man miserable to the point of acquiescing his mistake. After that, the man takes to his reprogramming like a fish to water. He becomes a spring-aficionado and proceeds to harass all his friends, in a Coily-like fashion. The man, once a victim, continues the vicious cycle of psychological abuse.

Is he still talking about springs?

One of the funnier MST3k shorts (and the guy's presence is always a blessing), but by the end, we ALL get it; springs are everywhere. Shut up already.

The screenshots are here.

Watch for yourself here:

Review of "Brain of Blood" (1972)

Brain of Blood (1972)

(a.k.a. - The Oozing Skull, The Undying Brain, The Creature's Revenge)

I think it will be more than wonderful presenting Cinematic Titanic.

Mystery Science Theater 3000 was a staple for many. When it went off air, we searched for an outlet. Out of the darkness & rubble, first arose the Film Crew(now defunct) and RiffTrax. Both these endeavors revolved around Mike, Kevin & Bill, and thus only part of the original crew. The remaining cast, Joel, Trace,Frank & Mary, started Cinematic Titanic. The Oozing Skull is their first release.

So visceral, so bright.

In the Muslim country of Khalid (fictional), its benevolent leader/dictator,Reed Hadley as Amir, is dying of cancer. Amir dies and a desperate plot unfolds. His body is wrapped in aluminum foil and taken in a clandestine operation (the population does not know of his death) consisting of his doctor (Nigserian) and Mohammed, out of the country to perform a risky brain transplant. The surgery is being performed by the disgraced Dr. Kent Taylor, who believes there is no chance of failure and has two assistants. One of them is about 3 feet high (Master Blaster did indeed run Barter Town) and the other is a mutilated & traumatized 7 foot giant named Gor. What could possibly go wrong??

Master Blaster runs Barter Town!!

Did I forget to mention Amir's deathbed American, blonde-Barbie wife, Tracy or that Dr. Kent has a dungeon with female slave test subjects & delusions of grandeur? How about a brain transplant that didn't take? There is a lot of double-dealing throughout this and people are killed, but I'm not going to lie to you anymore : MISSION ACCOMPLISHED. The ends justify the means. If you can accept that then you will not have to waste 80 minutes. I hope that is warning enough. Don't say I didn't warn you. If you must watch, then don't watch alone and have plenty of medicine standing by.

I prefer the new format, in that all "sketches" occur with the movie in pause, in front of the screen and not as a separate location. Also the inclusion of 5 commentators, instead of the traditional 3, opens up the possibilities for some truly dynamic exchanges. The Oozing Skull is a perfect first choice as it is nearly impossible to watch alone and remain conscious. "It's like Chinese sound effect torture."The crew of the Cinematic Titanic make going down with the ship a pleasant experience, to be repeated with friends.

Do not attempt this movie raw.

Here is the link to the non-Cinematic Titatic IMDB.com comment.

The rest of the screen shots are here.

Review of "Mr. B Natural" (1957)

Mr. B Natural (1957)

Once at band camp, I was assaulted by Mr. B Natural holding a French horn.

Mr. B reminds me of a creepier & whiter Grace Jones.

Mr. B Natural is really a talking, musical note that transforms into a woman dressed in a powder blue Peter-Pan like outfit, pretending to be a man calling himself B Natural. Still following?

Mr. B would have fit in perfectly in a 70's party with George Carlin, Rick James and Robin Williams (sniff, sniff). Now imaging instead of all these cool people (or any other people), it's just you and Mr. B in a room together. Also, Mr. B is really working for an instrument manufacturer, COMM. On top of that, Mr. B is on a roll after dropping some acid, ecstasy and meth. Hold on to your hats and hope your psychiatrist can fix it later.

Mr. B gestures to Satan.

The opening scene is band practice on a grass field, followed by notes & Mr. B on a sound stage. The scene moves to band co-ed lockers (very progressive for 1957). Mr. B comes out of the closet(literally) and convinces our protagonist, Buzz (??), into getting his parents to buy him a musical instrument. Life is great. Buzz goes to all the great parties. We then get assembly porn of the COMM factory. I wish I were kidding:

Staying in would have been better for everyone, in this case.

Mr. B returns. I feel soulless now and the drugs are wearing off. The only thing I learn is that "it really is quite fun to be psychotic." Thank you Joel, Crow & Tom for helping me through the dark times.

Part 1 here:

Part 2 here:



Click here for all screen shots.