Review of "H6" (2005)

H6: Diario de un asesino (2005)


A Modern Spanish Adaptation of the Trials and Tribulations of Henri Landru.

Sometimes we think, due to our limited circumstances, that as a species we have evolved to a level beyond the animal. That we are somehow more developed and more advanced. How much "evolutionary difference" is there between defecating in the fields and creating a special "place", with water, where one goes to defecate? Also think about how sometimes it is of a communal nature (sometimes even doing it side-by-side, separated just a couple of feet apart from each other by incomplete walls). The most prude of us, the English, even went as so far as to disguise it with language,as if perfuming the air. They called it a water closet. George Carlin would have something funny to say about that subject right about now. I'm definitely no George Carlin, but I can press play. If you are ready to deal with the baseness of the human species, then this movie might be right for you.

The movie starts brutally in a darkened stairwell, where we witness a most violent break up. Antonio Frau, in the most extreme act of machismo, strangles his girl friend/ wife. This movie tries very hard to make you feel extremely uncomfortable with what is happening on the the screen. It would easily qualify as grind house, except that it is way too dark, stylized and imposes too much seriousness to be campy. It resembles more of a "From Hell" in the type of a demi-hero, demi-villainous character it employs. Antonio Frau (Fernando Acaso), after being released from prison years later, inherits an abandoned ex-whore house from his aunt. This becomes the scene of the fun house experience at Freddy Kruger's house. Fernando Acaso does an amazing job of creating a Jeffery Dahmer like demeanor. It is cold on the outside, yet charming somehow. Throughout, however, is this creepy feeling like you are being surgically sliced into bits (in his mind).

The storyline follows a modern piece of historically inspired fiction. Historically speaking, Henri Landru was a French serial killer that preyed mostly on widows, during World War I in Paris (10/11 of his victims were women). Henri kept a detailed log of all the women and all of the aliases he used on each. At one point a relative of one of his victims shows up looking for them. This stirs up the police, which leads to Landru and his journal (which was used as evidence to convict him). Landru eventually is guillotined a few years later. Antonio Frau actual speaks about Landru in the movie. He is considered a flawed inspiration. Henri was in it for the money, however, Antonio has another agenda as well (a Saw-like agenda). There is such a duplicity to the character of Antonio Frau. Some of the really graphic scenes had very little actual gore, but actually maintained a somber and terrifying style which helped it from falling back into grind.

The style is eerily single X snuff-like. There is some guilt in watching, yet it feeds the voyeuristic and bass tendencies in humankind to continue to not look away. It is hard to recommend this movie to anyone, considering the nature of the violence. This is why I gave it a 5/10. Depending on the type of person watching this movie, I can easily see it going either way. Much like someone once said of Kronos; You either find it interesting or strongly, wrenchingly dislike it. There is no love.

Review of "Idiocracy" (2006)

Idiocracy (2006)


Not Sure. And the Extinction of Intelligence in the Species – a satirical anthropological "what if".

After just seeing H6, I needed something to "clean my palate" of the gnawing thoughts in the back of my skull. Mike "Bolton" Judge; writer, producer and director of Bevis and Butthead and Office Space, provides a movie that is parodic at times (elements of Logan's Run, Planet of the Apes, the Last Man on Earth and the Omega Man permeates the story, while overtly sanctioning the "consumerist zombie" theory of George Romero). It is satirical and yet still funny the rest of the time. The difference is that previous views of the future of humankind are a bit more dignified than in this movie. The future was always a bright, gleaming beacon for the elevation of mankind (in some cases the humans themselves had not changed, yet technologically we were more advanced). This movie takes is the opposite way - a.k.a. the toilet. Humanity has degraded to stupidity and apathy on all possible levels. The movie functions on the level of the viewer, while at the same time functioning on all its levels as a whole. This is the multi-tiered mound of garbage. Hidden treasures are abound for those that dig deep enough and yet there's stuff at the top for the not-so-motivated.

During the year 2005, the United States military conducted a secret project ("The Human Hibernation Experiment" for short). This project consisted of hibernating a male and female for a period of one year. This was to be developed for the purpose of "freezing" our best troops so they can be freshly deployed where they would be needed. Obviously they would not use this on their best until it was tested. As the guinea pigs, they used the most average man in army, Joe Bauers (Luke Wilson) and a "private sector" female, Rita (SNL alumni Maya Rudolph). One intravenous injection of Yoo-Hoo later, while being packed into an army, green-fatigue, metal-looking coffin, they go to sleep expecting only a year to pass. In less than a year, the project is lost and forgotten, only to be accidentally discovered the same year as the Great Garbage Avalance of 2505.

This is pure Philip J. Fry brought to live action. It is the same social criticism mixed with humor, character development and identification as you found from each and every episode of Futurama. It is a fish-out of water story where the fish looks more normal then the water (by contrast). Owen Wilson isn't quite Billy West, but he does a very good job a selling the likability of an average joe like Joe. There are some nice cameos in the movie including, the Apple guy (Justin Long), David Herman (from Office Space, Mad TV, and several voices on Futurama - Mayor C. Randall Poopenmayer, Professor Ogden Wernstrom, Turanga Morris, Larry , and Dwayne), Greg Pitts (the Oooohhh !! guy from Office Space), Scarface from Geto Boys (a pimp named Upgrayedd), Thomas Haden Church, and the pimped out and presidential Terry Crews (The President of the United States - Camacho).

The movie is relatively fast paced and doesn't dwell too much on one theme. It is not an exhaustive study, if you choose to read it as such. At the same time there is enough detail to warrant a serious critique. Its ending is light hearted and positive and I think is the major detriment to the movie. The premise is at the same time ridiculously ludicrous and at the same time eerily possible. Another noteworthy instances would be the inclusion of President One tough-mother !! SHUT YOUR MOUTH !!! Its about damn time we had a black president. Sho'Nuff !! The genius of the Fat Museum is not lost on me either. OW ! My balls !! the TV show is pure genius. It makes American Idol seem like Tarkovsky, while reminiscent of the "I'd Buy That for A Dollar" TV show from Robocop.

A highly recommendable and enjoyable, multi-teared romp through one oddly, possible future. It's nuculear, ass face !! (the finger salute of the future)

Review of "Body Double" (1984)

Body Double (1984)


80's Post-Scarface Brian De Palma's take on film noir and the Hitchcockian thriller.

I continue to celebrate the year 1984, by watching yet another wonderful movie from that year. A year that brought us Orwellian homages via Apple commercials and even a situation close to my heart involving a plane, a rabbit hat and a Chevy Monte Carlo (gray). As Conan's chronicler would say - "But that is another story...."

After the exploitation films popular during the 70's, there was what I like to call a film noir retrospective revival during the 80's through most of the industry. It brought back the gritty, sordid, sexual and action based narrative back from the mindless thrills. It started in the 70's with Sam Peckinpah's violent epics and movies like Taxi Driver. The 80's with movies like Scarface, added the 80's "crisp and bright" stereotypical look, feel and sound.

Of course this movie is yet another in the VHS "I remember that cover" story revolving around my childhood and recently gone defunct mom and pop video store, I once patronized. It also did a heavy stint on the Skin-a-Max Cable tour I believe. This movie is probably as close to a grind house movie as you can get to from a studio film.

Jake Scully is a somewhat struggling, B-movie actor with a severe case of "stage fright" and mild claustrophobia. After one of his episodes, he finds himself at home watching his girlfriend having sex with another man. He gets about as good a look as someone could get without being called a habitual voyeur. He then loses his acting job as the lead; as a vampire in Vampire's Kiss. He is down on his luck and ends up meeting a "fellow thespian", Sam Bouchard. Through Sam, Jake is given the job of house-sitting a very expensive house in the hills of Hollywood. I think its the same house "Mad Mel" took out in Lethal Weapon 2. He is told that the neighbor has a particular habit she does every night at the same time: (cough) Masturbate (cough). More than an audience now, we are made participants in the voyeurism through the telescopic lens. Jake believes the neighbor, Gloria Revelle, an attractive, yet abused hot 80's trophy wife is being followed by an "Indian". He proceeds to do the "heroic" act of following her himself. It is hard to reveal the rest without revealing the intrinsic goodness of the mystery.

This movie occurred after Scarface, yet is full of similarities. De Palma enhances the close up shot with all the background action. It is the background and at the same time it isn't, because the story is happening out there even though the eye if focusing on the clarity of the foreground. Your eyes are in a constant frenzy to keep up with everything that is happening in the shot. He uses that to describe the fear of claustrophobia as well as the ecstasy of voyeurism. The infusion of a melodramatic and over the top symphonic score further enhances those emotions. There are long sequences in which there little to no dialog. There are other scenes in which the dialog is in the background conversations and noise. Even if there is no dialog or sound, we are constantly accompanied by the eerily familiar score. The music is reminiscent of Hitchcock's music man – Bernard Hermann (composer on North by Northwest, Psycho, the Birds, Cape Fear and even the Twilight Zone). It is a bit more crisp (like the hair and clothes of the time).

This is very much a stylized, modernization of a Hitchcock mystery and film noir in a 1980's perspective (the clothes, colors, hair, porn's transition to VHS and the television airwaves, the yuppies and the coke). This movie has multiple layers and a very sharp edge. Voyerism is a big component. There is also a underlying parodistic component regarding the movie business. Did I mention there is the very, very, very nude Melanie Griffith giving it her all as Holly Body in Holly Does Hollywood ??

I especially enjoyed the director's porn music video (Frankie apparently did come to Hollywood) as well as the director's definition of the title of the movie during the ending credits. Both are a nice wink, wink to the audience. Why not watch it? Its a good match. Looks real, looks good and best of all there's no tan lines.

Review of "Wu Seng" (1984)

Wu Seng" (1984)
(a.k.a. Guards of Shaolin)


A Shaolin's life for me.....

This was a film recommended by a friend of mine, who happens to be a practicing black belt. He loves the technique in this movie. This movie is a treat for fans of the genre.

Okay, so there are these four brothers. I don't believe they are related by blood but more by a communal brothership. The best part of a movie like this is, is that everything is revealed in due time (for example, character names, relationships, motivation, plot, etc). It makes you feel like you could have written this. Its very inspirational.

"Big Brother" , as he is referred to, seems often times constipated and uptight. He wants to become a monk, or something, and his "Father" won't make him into one. He has a wonderful relationship with nature (punches trees and the dirt). "Second Brother" apparently is subjugate to Big Brother and mostly just spies on Brother Three and Four. "Third Brother" apparently really likes to practice his Gongfu. "Fourth Brother" is the mischievous of the bunch. He also seems to be the brother wearing the most eye shadow and blush. Apparently the amount of makeup a man wears is directly proportional to his "evilness". Their "Uncle" by contrast, has a red dot in his forehead and the most makeup of any main character (except for the government official, the female ninja, various in-drag henchmen and Chinese-Robin Hood).

It is a somewhat predictable plot, but there is a plot nonetheless. The brothers are framed for the Shaolin abbot's "sudden illness". It drags a bit after the coup, but is still worthwhile. The action is fast. It is not spectacular or over the top. It's not stylized, but is infused with limited realistic wire work. The fighting styles are classic blue-collar Gongfu. Think Boston Celtics and not the Lakers. They have also managed to add some simple humor, mostly visual gags or facial expressions. It also looked like the actors may have performed their own stunts.

I did learn much I did not know about the Shaolin monks. Shaolin monks are capable of dodging some arrows. Shaolin kicks ass, but only when seriously provoked. And by serious, I mean fist to the face. The Shaolin monks seem to employ the Wedding Crasher's Will Farrel approach to seducing women. Get them at the funerals, preferably immediate family deaths. It's good to be a monk !!! Unfortunately, they have only one weakness. The Naked Tattooed Breast style !!! This is done most effectively when performed by a woman.

"Golden Sutra ? Golden Sutra ??"

Chinese Robin Hood tobogganing down the slopes ??

After watching this movie, I am the empty vessel with just one question to fill me up. How many times do you have to stab a dead guy in the crotch, before he's had enough ?? Take your answer, times it by 10 and then add 42. Then double that number and thats as close are your going to get to the real number. I loved the finale. It was "twisted", short and sweet. A must see for fans of classic martial arts.

Review of "Crank" (2006)

Crank (2006)


The Transporter on the Beijing Cocktail, with an ephedrine and cocaine chaser.

Having first become acquainted with Jason Statham from Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels, I can safely say he has become the epitome of the tough guy. Most of the movies he has made since (with the exception of Snatch) are your run-of-the-mill action movie. I did like Transporter, with the exception of the second half of the movie which completely ran out of gas. There was definite potential there. The Transporter 2 completely obliterated any chance, by completely going off the deep end and not in a good way either.

Thankfully someone learned from all these movies and came up with Crank. Crank has a very simplistic plot. Chev Chelios (Statham) is well-known contract assassin, who wakes up to discover he has been poisoned with a concoction called the Beijing cocktail. It will stop his heart unless he keeps it going, by ANY MEANS NECESSARY!!!! The rest of the movie is figuring out what he's gonna do next and how he's going to tell his clueless, but very attractive girl friend (Amy Smart). This is the fun part of the entire movie. It is basically a live-action mash-up of Narc (the video game from the 80's), GTA (any of them) and some heart-bounding music videos. The formula is simple enough, but can be difficult in the execution (see some of Jason's other movies for reference). The rookie directorial duo of Mark Neveldine and Brian Taylor do an exceptional job a portraying stylized, non-stop action.

This is an archetypal action movie, not that the movie does anything overly original. What it does it does well and keeps it going pretty much throughout the entire movie. There are few breaks. I had a hard time not breaking a sweat or commenting out loud. I had been disappointed by more recent action movies. This one actually delivers. It delivers everything : car chases, helicopters, mêlée, gun play, explosions, sex, lots and lots of drugs, blood, profanity galore, more stimulants, a mall, a hospital, a drug lord, the amusing Dwight Yoakam and even Pedro (running for class president from Napolean Dynamite). The video game theme permeates every pore of this movie (from the opening heartbeat to the post credit side-scroller). For anyone who has had the sandbox experience of GTA will certainly recognize and appreciate this movie. I highly recommend this for fans of action. I'm feeling a little woozy. I guess its time for me to down some Red Bull and kick some cabbies.

Review of "Fah Talai Jone" (2000)

Fah Talai Jone (2000)
(a.k.a. Tears of the Black Tiger)


What spaghetti did for the western, tom yum goong tries to do the same.

My experience with movies from Thailand have mostly been in the form of Tony Jaa and several movies by Pen-Ek Ratanaruang (Last Life in the Universe, 6ixtynin9, and Transistor Love Story). Most people would probably just recognize the former and thus miss out on some unique creations. One such creation is Tears of the Black Tiger. To sum this movie up in one sentence : A Love Triangle, with the protagonist being a good guy by nature, but becoming bad by circumstance.

It is hard to describe or categorize this movie, because it crosses over so many categories. At its core it is mainly a western, but not a "realistic" western (for example, Open Range or Unforgiven). Think more of an early John Wayne kind of western, but stylized to the nth degree (like in a spaghetti western) and taking place in Thailand. It is part homage and seemingly part parody of the stereotypical behavior in a western. I am not sure if the satire is intentional but it is definitely in the style of the classic western, albeit on 10 cups coffee. It is also anachronistic, as there are cars available yet most use horses. There is gun play, like in a western, but the addition of sub-machine guns and rocket launchers to the mix is what makes it parodic (along with the over-the-top acting and romantic melodrama).

The movie uses stunning natural vistas along with theatrical-like set pieces, full screen closeups, contrasting vivid color, exaggerated facial expressions, unique camera angles, unexpected non-period weaponry and over-the-top acting. There is also a musical element to the movie. The soundtrack is mostly sung, but is quite catchy. You may find yourself humming or tapping your feet/finger. The above fore-mentioned elements is where this movie excels. The action sequences are violent and stylized (a nice touch with the gravity-defying blood). It is the what makes this movie unique and was gives it life.

The romantic melodrama is the part that drags this movie down. At 110 minutes running time, it is at least 20 minutes too long. Most of that is monotonous, sappy, melodramatic and out-dated material related to the unrequited love story. For similarities, think of the "melodrama" of lets say, Gone with the Wind. Sex is implied after a sunset hug. For me, two people deeply in love with each other that never kiss, does not make any sense nor seem like normal behavior. This might be normal for a movie made in 1930, but it is very, very dated in the 21st century. I do realize that the director was going for the homage to a period movie, however, he focuses too much on it. A little less focus on the "love story" would have made this movie a bit more enjoyable. After watching 1/2 a dozen or so Thai movies, I have realized one thing. Thai is not a very romantic sounding language. It particularly sounds worse when whining or screaming. It sounds more like Klingon than anything else. So if you can imaging Klingons doing a Romeo and Juliet parody, then you can pretty much imaging what the love story will sound like here.

Tony Jaa has taught me that a movie can be meaningless, convoluted to the point of incomprehensible, full of terrible acting and still be incredible enjoyable. If I am in a movie and I notice that my ass hurts or is numb, it means I am not engrossed into what is happening on the screen. That is unfortunately what happens during the non-action sequences of this movie. The love story drags you kicking and screaming from the nirvana of the action. I still recommend at least one viewing of this movie (I have seen it twice), although you may want to have some sort of medicine on hand. Also feel free to add your own dialog during the long, long, long dialog sequences, as the original may induce some sort of violent seizures.

Review of "The Wicker Man" (2006)

The Wicker Man" (2006)


Worthy of most things Shatnerian - "Why is .. it .. BURNED ??.... Why ...isitburned???

It is unfortunate that I review this movie after just seeing Crank. I still think I am seeing spots and I am definitely coming down. Solipsist and Oscar winning master thespian, Nicholas Cage, stars in either a farcical story of cross-cultural misunderstanding or in a unintended B-movie-like-comedy, complete with over-the-top, Shatner-like acting. I think it is the latter, but I leave it up to history and the experts to decide.

So the Cage, as I like to call him, is doing his best impersonation of Erik Estrada in Chips. He gets a note from his fiancée, which states that her daughter is missing and if he could help. Mind you, this is the woman who disappeared from his life, years before. She lives on an isolated island in the Northwest part of the country. An island that is mostly populated by a female Amish/Quaker-like commune. The rest is relatively meaningless. If you want meaning, you might as well check out the original movie. This movie is just there for the laughs.

The Cage is not a very good actor. As one of my comrades one said of him - "He's the same in every movie." He is an actor playing himself and not doing it very well. The Cage has been in some good movies, however, those were built around his "particular idiom" (Lord of War is a great example of this). On the other end, when you try to get him to act or make him feel emotion, you get this Botox coma or perhaps City of Angels. His performance in this movie can simple described as mind-numbingly-nuked. He is part angry octogenarian, part whiny, part drunk, all high-school production quality with 1/2 a bottle of pain killers. I mean the scenes in the bear suit are priceless, not to mention all the cheap shots he dishes out. Unfortunately, the hilarity mostly ensues well past the 60 minute mark. Prior to this, feel free to snicker and laugh at the lame, lame dialog. I can definitely say skip the theatrical version (go straight for the unrated version) of this movie, as you will be getting a slow motion montage-like procession scene with sound overlay instead of the actual scene. I actually was scratching my head, wondering, the first time I saw/heard it. Oh well. Highly recommended for a laugh. If you want to skip the movie all together, check out Youtube for a compilation of the best and funniest scenes in the movie. I think it's a fair trade - 3 minutes in the Cage or 90. ........................

Wise choice.