Review of "The Wasp Woman" (1959)

The Wasp Woman (1959)

Smooth as honey, painful acid.

I think those are bees.

Dr. Zinthrop extracts royal jelly from a queen wasp, which is the key to his development of a rejuvenation formula. On the other side of the world, Janice Starlin is a former model/starlet that has created a cosmetics company based on her image. Her age is now affecting her sales. By Corman chance(I mean random), Zinthrop meets with Starling to develop a human version. Zinthrop decides to test it on Starlin herself. Starlin's patience with science wears thing & she decides to overdose on the test compound, with comic results.

The eventual results of watching this movie: madness.

I wish I could tell you there is more, but sadly Corman packed the movie with as many items from an office-supply company catalog as possible. Makes one wonder who funded the movie. 73 long minutes loaded full of scenes of bureaucracy including office phone calls, business lunches, several board meetings, filing, paying invoices, office small talk, searching through drawers, searching for missing persons, driving around, sneaking around rooms, delivery of things, delegating tasks, riding elevators and going over an itinerary. The scenery more than makes up for this by placing us in remote & exotic locations like a boardroom, an office and a room made to look like a laboratory. In all honesty, there is a scene with Dr. Zinthrop walking around the woods, by himself, or the scene where we are driven around to crazy carnival music. Neither seems to have much relevance to the actual movie, however.

Bruno VeSota, in one of his finest roles, as the expendable night watchman.

In the end, not even the presence of Bruno VeSota (a.k.a. the poor man's Orson Welles) could salvage this monstrosity of boredom. Under no circumstances should you watch this without the accompaniment of friends or in a non-Cinematic Titanic version. 1.5x setting was the perfect speed to keep from going into a coma. Failure to do so will result in severe psychological damage.

All the screen shots available here.

Review of "Doomsday Machine" (1972)

Doomsday Machine (1972)


Two movies for the price of one. Bulk isn't always better, but I don't believe it. I DON'T BELIEVE IT!

Casey Kasem during the "dark times".

This is the second movie from Cinematic Titanic (the first being the Oozing Skull), also released in 1972 and both containing the acting talents of Grant Williams, dubbed by some as "one of the four actors of the apocalypse". After watching them back-to-back, you will realize just how true that moniker is.

The communist Chinese develop the gumball technology of doom, who's detonation force will "rupture the faults of the earth's surface and setup a chain reaction of explosions when the earth's tension is broken." For the lay person, this means that the Earth will be destroyed. The US response is to replace half of the all-male crew of Project Astra, who's goal was a mission to Venus for a 2 year trip, with a female crew. Instead of the planned mission, they become humanity's Adam & Eve/Noah's Ark insurance policy. Will humanity survive?

La-Z-Boy, one of the fine sponsors of this film.

There are two distinct movies here. The first part is a genuine attempt at a low budget science fiction narrative with a message (albeit derived & unoriginal) in the nature of Ikarie XB1. That movie dies suddenly somewhere over Venus. You are probably asking yourself how will you know when that is? Trust me, you'll know. It is when the second movie starts, all with different faceless-actors in a dark room doing stuff. This leads into stills & voice-over narrative. Fin.

In the end all you remember is that a lot of painful, pointless dialog occurred, with female astronauts walking around a rocket in their pink robes. And then it all ends in a whimpering blaze (yes I know this is oxymoronic, but it is how I felt). You are not quite sure if anything ended, except the life span of several of your neurons. ad astra per alia porci.

The unfortunate effects of watching this movie at normal speed : insanity.

As an alternative I have developed levels of fast-forwarding that does not deter from the watching experience (as the voice and sound effects can still be distinguished) but alleviates most of the sources of movie induced hemorrhages; 1.5x speed-up & 2x speed-up. The first option is less severe and almost unnoticeable. It will reduce the film length by a 1/3. The second option should only be used in cases of severe pain and it will alter the movie drastically & reducing the film time by 1/2. During the course of watching the Doomsday Machine, I alternated between 1.5x & 2x frequently. Even with the crew of the Cinematic Titanic helping, it was still too much pain for me to bear (again).

Save me Casey Kasem!!

The remaining screen shots here.

Non-Cinematic Titanic version here.

Review of "A Case of Spring Fever" (1940)

A Case of Spring Fever (1940)

What would life be without spring, George Bailey?

This is a typical short film in the genre of the "what would life be like if we didn't have 'this'?" . This can be anything from an element to a specific technology. We are typically given situations without said thing and then we repeat the same situations with the thing in question, for comparison. This short deals with springs.

The main character is fixing a coach for his wife instead of going golfing with the boys (sadly not a euphemism). He places a dreaded curse upon the spring's existence and an animated character appears. It calls itself Coily the Spring Sprite and it is there to make the man's existence a living, spring-less hell.

Coily, the Spring Sprite right next to the accelerator.

Coily gets the utmost pleasure from making all the springs disappear and making the man miserable to the point of acquiescing his mistake. After that, the man takes to his reprogramming like a fish to water. He becomes a spring-aficionado and proceeds to harass all his friends, in a Coily-like fashion. The man, once a victim, continues the vicious cycle of psychological abuse.

Is he still talking about springs?

One of the funnier MST3k shorts (and the guy's presence is always a blessing), but by the end, we ALL get it; springs are everywhere. Shut up already.

The screenshots are here.

Watch for yourself here:

Review of "Brain of Blood" (1972)

Brain of Blood (1972)

(a.k.a. - The Oozing Skull, The Undying Brain, The Creature's Revenge)

I think it will be more than wonderful presenting Cinematic Titanic.

Mystery Science Theater 3000 was a staple for many. When it went off air, we searched for an outlet. Out of the darkness & rubble, first arose the Film Crew(now defunct) and RiffTrax. Both these endeavors revolved around Mike, Kevin & Bill, and thus only part of the original crew. The remaining cast, Joel, Trace,Frank & Mary, started Cinematic Titanic. The Oozing Skull is their first release.

So visceral, so bright.

In the Muslim country of Khalid (fictional), its benevolent leader/dictator,Reed Hadley as Amir, is dying of cancer. Amir dies and a desperate plot unfolds. His body is wrapped in aluminum foil and taken in a clandestine operation (the population does not know of his death) consisting of his doctor (Nigserian) and Mohammed, out of the country to perform a risky brain transplant. The surgery is being performed by the disgraced Dr. Kent Taylor, who believes there is no chance of failure and has two assistants. One of them is about 3 feet high (Master Blaster did indeed run Barter Town) and the other is a mutilated & traumatized 7 foot giant named Gor. What could possibly go wrong??

Master Blaster runs Barter Town!!

Did I forget to mention Amir's deathbed American, blonde-Barbie wife, Tracy or that Dr. Kent has a dungeon with female slave test subjects & delusions of grandeur? How about a brain transplant that didn't take? There is a lot of double-dealing throughout this and people are killed, but I'm not going to lie to you anymore : MISSION ACCOMPLISHED. The ends justify the means. If you can accept that then you will not have to waste 80 minutes. I hope that is warning enough. Don't say I didn't warn you. If you must watch, then don't watch alone and have plenty of medicine standing by.

I prefer the new format, in that all "sketches" occur with the movie in pause, in front of the screen and not as a separate location. Also the inclusion of 5 commentators, instead of the traditional 3, opens up the possibilities for some truly dynamic exchanges. The Oozing Skull is a perfect first choice as it is nearly impossible to watch alone and remain conscious. "It's like Chinese sound effect torture."The crew of the Cinematic Titanic make going down with the ship a pleasant experience, to be repeated with friends.

Do not attempt this movie raw.

Here is the link to the non-Cinematic Titatic IMDB.com comment.

The rest of the screen shots are here.

Review of "Mr. B Natural" (1957)

Mr. B Natural (1957)

Once at band camp, I was assaulted by Mr. B Natural holding a French horn.

Mr. B reminds me of a creepier & whiter Grace Jones.

Mr. B Natural is really a talking, musical note that transforms into a woman dressed in a powder blue Peter-Pan like outfit, pretending to be a man calling himself B Natural. Still following?

Mr. B would have fit in perfectly in a 70's party with George Carlin, Rick James and Robin Williams (sniff, sniff). Now imaging instead of all these cool people (or any other people), it's just you and Mr. B in a room together. Also, Mr. B is really working for an instrument manufacturer, COMM. On top of that, Mr. B is on a roll after dropping some acid, ecstasy and meth. Hold on to your hats and hope your psychiatrist can fix it later.

Mr. B gestures to Satan.

The opening scene is band practice on a grass field, followed by notes & Mr. B on a sound stage. The scene moves to band co-ed lockers (very progressive for 1957). Mr. B comes out of the closet(literally) and convinces our protagonist, Buzz (??), into getting his parents to buy him a musical instrument. Life is great. Buzz goes to all the great parties. We then get assembly porn of the COMM factory. I wish I were kidding:

Staying in would have been better for everyone, in this case.

Mr. B returns. I feel soulless now and the drugs are wearing off. The only thing I learn is that "it really is quite fun to be psychotic." Thank you Joel, Crow & Tom for helping me through the dark times.

Part 1 here:

Part 2 here:



Click here for all screen shots.

Review of "Catching Trouble" (1936)

Catching Trouble (1936)

My boyfriend sure knows his stuff; torturing nature.

Previous title "Catching Trouble from PETA"

First of all, this movie was made back in 1936 and it's a bit like talking to your grandpa. You understand it's his way & not malicious, but it's still a bit outdated and un-PC. Based on the movie on it's own, I would give it a 1. The extra vote was for the MST3k version, which improves upon the pain. Definitely do not watch alone & remember to adopt an orphan afterward.

Ross' faithful Seminole, also goes by Eh Wat. What a sad life he must have lived.

Our protagonist, Ross Allen, is described as a modern day Tarzan. His job is catching live animals for the zoo from the Florida Everglades. With the assistance of his faithful Seminole guide, who's name is either "Eh Wat" or nothing at all, he fulfills an order asking for the following: 1 live bobcat, 2 cub black bears, 3 six-foot diamondback rattlers & a partridge in a pear tree (I made that last part up).

I didn't even mention the shorts, yet.

Ross has a variety of techniques for capturing these living animals. Techniques such as: chopping down the tree the animal is in (you could also have your man servant attempt this), chasing animals to & from trees, smashing animals into the ground, pulling animals out of the trees or water-boarding a bear. In all honesty, by the end, I was hoping one of those snakes would get a nice bite of Ross. Time eventually did.

Almost!! So close...

Here is the entire assault on tape:

If you want to know more about our hero, Ross, check here and here.

The set of screen shots can be found here.

Review of "Posture Pals" (1952)

Review of Posture Pals (1952)

Ms. Martin's Silhouette Night

Pasture Pals??

Another instructional movie, typical of the 1950s. This one is about posture. The only claim to fame of Posture Pals is that MST3k used it for one of their sketches and it is probably the first film appearance of a pre-Laura Engels, Melissa Gilbert look-a-like. Crazy, right?

The future kings and queens of the grill.

As is typical with instructional films like this, it leaves a lot of room for unintended comedic consequences. The only good thing I can say about PP is the shortness, 10 minutes. It also marks the beginning of the change in educational policy from winner to winners concept and eventually leading to "last winner". I bet Mary, Tommy, Jimmy & Jane (respective Posture Queen, King, Prince & Princess) could burn all existing copies of this. I don't blame the kids. I blame Ms. Martin, the mime. Never trust a mime.

I crown myself, Queen of the Burgers and master of all I survey.

Plot points to remember:

1) Good health = good posture.

2) Good posture keeps you from being tired.

3) Develop the habit of good posture.

4) The way you look can depend upon your posture. Standing tall makes you look cheerful & happy.

See the full feature here:

The set of screen shots here.